To warm to shiver, to cold to show elbows on the streets.

Your seasons change in a days time, like the constant flutter of my hearts mind.

I thought it was time for spring, trees bearing their seasonal fruits, flowers opening after winter has faded, grass and wheat stalks moving gracefully with each gust of gentle wind.

The air around me felt more hopeful, and so did I. I like to think seasons change to encourage us to as well. But your clouds have confused me because rainy days make me feel dark blue, like the color of a bottomless body of water, holding so much mystery and fear that cannot be seen, cannot be felt.

But it’s you that makes me feel like that, like being trapped beneath inches of black water unable to find the surface, catch my breath, and stay afloat.

The tides of your unpredictability crashed over me so many times, at so many different speeds, I never seemed to be able to understand their patterns.

I used to love the ocean, all bodies of water. The endless horizons, the sounds of salt water ebbing and flowing towards me like an innocuous lullaby–

I used to love the change of seasons,

The promise of spring,

The way summer can make you feel like anything is possible.

But all the places I went with you, the times of year and the seasons I spent with you, are temporarily marked by that dark blue and black, that fearful feeling of looking down beneath the surface, the trepidation of letting go and moving on.

I will need sometime to remember why I loved it all in the first place and to see that the only constant is me.