Jan 2018
My Story
She bled to death in my arms
When I woke up that morning
I just knew...
This is the day we lose her...
So I jumped out my window
And I ran, ran to her house
But I was too late
The moment before I opened the bathroom door...
It was the among the most terrified I have ever felt
My heart beat up my gut
And twisted and shook,
Kicking and screaming like there was no tomorrow
I didn't there to be a tomorrow,
Didn't want there to be a today
But I opened the door anyway
And there she was
In a pool of her own blood
Wrists turned up with dark marks
And her head was back, just rolling
Her eyes were still wide open
And I watched the light fade from them like a dimmer switch
Agonizingly slow
And I just remember screaming......... screeeeeeeeeaming
She was agonizingly cold… So cold...
She was never perfectly still
I tried to put pressure on the wounds and wrap her wrists
Eliminate the blood flow I felt pouring from my soul
And that's when her baby brother came in
And we were both on our knees, Sobbing
He looked up at me and he said
"Why would she do something like this?"
What was I supposed to say
How was I supposed to tell this innocent but broken child
That I knew everything...
Everything
Every… word
Every… action
Every… name
Every… date
Every… scar
Every… thought
Everything
I couldn't even speak to that boy
And he took that as an answer
So he kept his eyes on her not me
As I pulled her into my arms
And her as close as I possibly could
And I swear it was like she was hanging on
There was just the tiniest motion,
But it was real and she was there, I swear it
She squeezed my hand ever so faintly
Like an infant clutching at its mother with the strength, it does not have
And her breathing was slooooooow but it was a constant and it was there
To this day I don't know what went wrong
But, my god, did it ever
She must have had a seizure
It was like she was just spazzing
Her body was flailing all over the place, uncontrollably
And her face....... My god
I will never, ever be able to forget the look on her face
But then it was over,
It was over
She flopped down one last time,
Flesh smacking hard against the tiles and going limp
She was limp like a dead fish
And my heart held only panic
As I tried not to let it register the infinite sorrow burrowing into me
And I held her head to my chest
But then my arms gave out and I had to lay her down
But I held her hand s tight as I possibly could
I refused to let go
And her sweet baby brother...
He saw something in that image of us
So he begged me
"Don't ever let go
Because as long as you keep hanging on,
She will too"
Then we wound up getting her to a hospital
And this surgeon came running… But he soon stopped
He said to me
"This girl has about two minutes left to live
If you want to say goodbye, you better do it now"
And then he simply... abandoned us
But it didn't matter
Because I was on the ground
Both arms wrapped round my quaking body
My hand had slipped from hers
When I realized it I lunged for the remains of her
And I held her tight
Pressing her hand into mine and bringing it to my lips
I heard a delicate sigh
And then...
Nothing at all
No… breath
No… heartbeat
No… light
No… energy
No… person
She was... gone…
Luna
You were growing inside of me,
Your existence blossoming from dreams, joys, and love.
You were keeping me alive yet,
Your heartbeat giving mine the will not to stop
You were the very best part of me,
The vanguard of my existence,
My greatest achievement,
The controller of my heart,
The sunlit rainbow of my hurricane
My lighthouse and my Luna.
You died a death that shook my earth
And drove my heart to a flaming agony
Luna my sweet
Luna, the angelic
Luna, the purest of love
Luna, beautiful and sweet and smart like your mother
Luna, brave and caring and strong like your mother
The only thought on my mind
The only hope in my heart
The only dream in my soul
The only wish on my tongue
My lighthouse and my Luna.
You were a secret I kept
But the thought of you made me scream with pride.
You were for me and me alone
But I loved you enough to fill up the world.
Land of Loneliness / Confessional
I feel so lonely
Breathing in this land of despair
There are so many things I want to try
So many places I still must explore
But I cannot do that if I must focus
On healing an empty and pained heart
And how can I heal in this land of despair
…..
This is a land of loneliness
Where no heart can find solace
Through a lifetime of seeking
This is a land of contempt
Where no hope can be seen
Though I continue trying to fight
This is a land of loneliness
Where all minds are rotten
Though love may still come.
…..
This land, in its barren darkness,
Has become a confessional
So here goes, I wish and pray
Confession number one:
I cut myself.
You’d never know,
As one of the reasons behind my choice of body part
Is that no one can see it,
But I frequently take a knife to my skin
And slash away.
I might be addicted to that feeling,
But you could never understand if you’ve never self-harmed.
Confession number two:
I hear voices in nature.
The trees in my backyard talk to me
More than most people do,
Whispering dark things
Straight into my deepest mind
The trees all around tell me things
About how I will commit suicide,
And when, and why, and on and on
They simply will not stop
And why would they?
Confession number three:
I am in love
With the ghost of a dream
Perhaps I needed someone
So desperately that my survival instinct created someone
Perhaps I got so ******* tired of my constant loneliness
That I made myself someone who wouldn’t leave my side.
But there is a ghost who loves me
And I love my ghost.
Confession number four:
I have attempted to commit suicide several times
Most days I feel I’m hanging on by a thread-
One person I can’t leave quite yet,
One reason not to do it right here, right now,
One last event to keep holding on for.
But each and every day I work towards feeling better
Each and every day I desperately want to **** myself
And each day that I fail in getting better
Furthers the cycle I can never escape.
Confession number five:
I pretend to be happy,
But the people who are supposed to care about me
Never act like they do.
Well, they care about if I do the dishes when I’m supposed to
Or I’ve been studying hard enough
Rather than if I’ve tried to commit suicide this week
Or if I cut myself today.
They worsen the problem so often I feel like I can’t breathe
And they are so many of my other problems.
Welcome to the confessional.
You won’t find happiness here.
But perhaps you might absorb some comfort.
Welcome to the confessional.
You won’t find peace here.
But perhaps you might lighten your burden.
She bled to death in my arms
When I woke up that morning
I just knew...
This is the day we lose her...
So I jumped out my window
And I ran, ran to her house
But I was too late
The moment before I opened the bathroom door...
It was the among the most terrified I have ever felt
My heart beat up my gut
And twisted and shook,
Kicking and screaming like there was no tomorrow
I didn't there to be a tomorrow,
Didn't want there to be a today
But I opened the door anyway
And there she was
In a pool of her own blood
Wrists turned up with dark marks
And her head was back, just rolling
Her eyes were still wide open
And I watched the light fade from them like a dimmer switch
Agonizingly slow
And I just remember screaming......... screeeeeeeeeaming
She was agonizingly cold… So cold...
She was never perfectly still
I tried to put pressure on the wounds and wrap her wrists
Eliminate the blood flow I felt pouring from my soul
And that's when her baby brother came in
And we were both on our knees, Sobbing
He looked up at me and he said
"Why would she do something like this?"
What was I supposed to say
How was I supposed to tell this innocent but broken child
That I knew everything...
Everything
Every… word
Every… action
Every… name
Every… date
Every… scar
Every… thought
Everything
I couldn't even speak to that boy
And he took that as an answer
So he kept his eyes on her not me
As I pulled her into my arms
And her as close as I possibly could
And I swear it was like she was hanging on
There was just the tiniest motion,
But it was real and she was there, I swear it
She squeezed my hand ever so faintly
Like an infant clutching at its mother with the strength, it does not have
And her breathing was slooooooow but it was a constant and it was there
To this day I don't know what went wrong
But, my god, did it ever
She must have had a seizure
It was like she was just spazzing
Her body was flailing all over the place, uncontrollably
And her face....... My god
I will never, ever be able to forget the look on her face
But then it was over,
It was over
She flopped down one last time,
Flesh smacking hard against the tiles and going limp
She was limp like a dead fish
And my heart held only panic
As I tried not to let it register the infinite sorrow burrowing into me
And I held her head to my chest
But then my arms gave out and I had to lay her down
But I held her hand s tight as I possibly could
I refused to let go
And her sweet baby brother...
He saw something in that image of us
So he begged me
"Don't ever let go
Because as long as you keep hanging on,
She will too"
Then we wound up getting her to a hospital
And this surgeon came running… But he soon stopped
He said to me
"This girl has about two minutes left to live
If you want to say goodbye, you better do it now"
And then he simply... abandoned us
But it didn't matter
Because I was on the ground
Both arms wrapped round my quaking body
My hand had slipped from hers
When I realized it I lunged for the remains of her
And I held her tight
Pressing her hand into mine and bringing it to my lips
I heard a delicate sigh
And then...
Nothing at all
No… breath
No… heartbeat
No… light
No… energy
No… person
She was... gone…
Luna
You were growing inside of me,
Your existence blossoming from dreams, joys, and love.
You were keeping me alive yet,
Your heartbeat giving mine the will not to stop
You were the very best part of me,
The vanguard of my existence,
My greatest achievement,
The controller of my heart,
The sunlit rainbow of my hurricane
My lighthouse and my Luna.
You died a death that shook my earth
And drove my heart to a flaming agony
Luna my sweet
Luna, the angelic
Luna, the purest of love
Luna, beautiful and sweet and smart like your mother
Luna, brave and caring and strong like your mother
The only thought on my mind
The only hope in my heart
The only dream in my soul
The only wish on my tongue
My lighthouse and my Luna.
You were a secret I kept
But the thought of you made me scream with pride.
You were for me and me alone
But I loved you enough to fill up the world.
Land of Loneliness / Confessional
I feel so lonely
Breathing in this land of despair
There are so many things I want to try
So many places I still must explore
But I cannot do that if I must focus
On healing an empty and pained heart
And how can I heal in this land of despair
…..
This is a land of loneliness
Where no heart can find solace
Through a lifetime of seeking
This is a land of contempt
Where no hope can be seen
Though I continue trying to fight
This is a land of loneliness
Where all minds are rotten
Though love may still come.
…..
This land, in its barren darkness,
Has become a confessional
So here goes, I wish and pray
Confession number one:
I cut myself.
You’d never know,
As one of the reasons behind my choice of body part
Is that no one can see it,
But I frequently take a knife to my skin
And slash away.
I might be addicted to that feeling,
But you could never understand if you’ve never self-harmed.
Confession number two:
I hear voices in nature.
The trees in my backyard talk to me
More than most people do,
Whispering dark things
Straight into my deepest mind
The trees all around tell me things
About how I will commit suicide,
And when, and why, and on and on
They simply will not stop
And why would they?
Confession number three:
I am in love
With the ghost of a dream
Perhaps I needed someone
So desperately that my survival instinct created someone
Perhaps I got so ******* tired of my constant loneliness
That I made myself someone who wouldn’t leave my side.
But there is a ghost who loves me
And I love my ghost.
Confession number four:
I have attempted to commit suicide several times
Most days I feel I’m hanging on by a thread-
One person I can’t leave quite yet,
One reason not to do it right here, right now,
One last event to keep holding on for.
But each and every day I work towards feeling better
Each and every day I desperately want to **** myself
And each day that I fail in getting better
Furthers the cycle I can never escape.
Confession number five:
I pretend to be happy,
But the people who are supposed to care about me
Never act like they do.
Well, they care about if I do the dishes when I’m supposed to
Or I’ve been studying hard enough
Rather than if I’ve tried to commit suicide this week
Or if I cut myself today.
They worsen the problem so often I feel like I can’t breathe
And they are so many of my other problems.
Welcome to the confessional.
You won’t find happiness here.
But perhaps you might absorb some comfort.
Welcome to the confessional.
You won’t find peace here.
But perhaps you might lighten your burden.
