Too Complicated
I’m not supposed to be grieving
My Baby wasn’t supposed to pass
How did this happen
How did I wind up counting dead roses
How did I wind up being reminded of proper funeral decorous
I can’t explain what’s going on
Something happened when that boy came along
That boy who started dating my firstborn son…
What has that boy done?
I’m not supposed to be burying my Baby,
Shouldn’t be standing by a pile of dirt with no one to clutch my hand
I shouldn’t have ice in my heart over my pride and joy as I hold his jersey
How did anything ever go wrong for us
How did a present, devoted, loving mother and a smart, strong, sweet boy end up here
How could God let us find ourselves in a cemetery we have no way out of
I can’t reconcile this horrible day with real life
Something went terribly wrong
When that boy came along
I’m not supposed to find myself sobbing, weeping, and doing nothing else
It was all so nice a week ago, throwing big parties
I shouldn’t be making a speech about my son in front of everyone
He supposed to be grounded for when his music rattled the room and broke my nice dishes
But he’s not home, he’s supposed to be with me but he’s not
How did that boy who’d been so polite to me bounce into our lives and end everything good
Everything was wonderful like a Hallmark card
Until that cursed boy came to tear it apart
How? Why?
Why, why, why?
Cross My Heart
Cross my heart and fully hope to die,
Everything about me is a lie.
We can teach one another how to soar high,
But everything you know about me is a lie.
Cross my heart… The real truth…
All I ever wanted was somebody to love me
All I ever prayed for was my guardian all free
I don’t need or even want any of this stuff
I don’t need to do or say crazy things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I’m selfish enough to ice out emotions that last
And sometimes I get wrapped up in loathing
My legs are busted up, scratched, and bruised from furniture
I’ve never experienced any of the magical or adventurous movie things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I’m only cold because it’s the only way I know
I only act because it hurts way too much to think
I get wild all the time because I’ve got nothing to lose
I look ragged because the world doesn’t let me not be
Cross my heart… The real truth…
On God’s name, I swear it
I am not the person you think I am,
I’m a rock in that person’s shadow
And soon to be a rock in your show
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I cross my heart and hope to die,
These words are more of the real me
Than I have ever let you actually see
I cross my heart and swear on God’s name:
This is the truth, and it will **** me.
My Story
She bled to death in my arms
When I woke up that morning
I just knew...
This is the day we lose her...
So I jumped out my window
And I ran, ran to her house
But I was too late
The moment before I opened the bathroom door...
It was the among the most terrified I have ever felt
My heart beat up my gut
And twisted and shook,
Kicking and screaming like there was no tomorrow
I didn't there to be a tomorrow,
Didn't want there to be a today
But I opened the door anyway
And there she was
In a pool of her own blood
Wrists turned up with dark marks
And her head was back, just rolling
Her eyes were still wide open
And I watched the light fade from them like a dimmer switch
Agonizingly slow
And I just remember screaming......... screeeeeeeeeaming
She was agonizingly cold
So cold...
She was never perfectly still
I tried to put pressure on the wounds and wrap her wrists
Eliminate the blood flow I felt pouring from my soul
And that's when her baby brother came in
And we were both on our knees,
Sobbing
He looked up at me and he said
"Why would she do something like this?"
What was I supposed to say
How was I supposed to tell this innocent but broken child
That I knew everything...
Everything
Every…  word
Every…  action
Every…  name
Every…  date
Every…  sc­ar
Every…  thought
Everything
I couldn't even speak to that boy
And he took that as an answer
So he kept his eyes on her not me
As I pulled her into my arms
And her as close as I possibly could
And I swear it was like she was hanging on
There was just the tiniest motion,
But it was real and she was there, I swear it
She squeezed my hand ever so faintly
Like an infant clutching at its mother with the strength, it does not have
And her breathing was slooooooow but it was a constant and it was there
To this day I don't know what went wrong
But, my god, did it ever
She must have had a seizure
It was like she was just spazzing
Her body was flailing all over the place, uncontrollably
And her face.......
My god
I will never, ever be able to forget the look on her face
But then it was over,
It was over
She flopped down one last time,
Flesh smacking hard against the tiles and going limp
She was limp like a dead fish
And my heart held only panic
As I tried not to let it register the infinite sorrow burrowing into me
And I held her head to my chest
But then my arms gave out and I had to lay her down
But  I held her hand s tight as I possibly could
I refused to let go
And her sweet baby brother...
He saw something in that image of us
So he begged me
"Don't ever let go
Because as long as you keep hanging on,
She will too"
And then we wound up getting her to a hospital
And this surgeon came running
But he soon stopped
He said to me
"This girl has about two minutes left to live
If you want to say goodbye, you better do it now"
And then he simply... abandoned us
But it didn't matter
Because I was on the ground
Both arms wrapped round my quaking body
My hand had slipped from hers
When I realized it I lunged for the remains of her
And I held her tight
Pressing her hand into mine and bringing it to my lips
I heard a delicate sigh
And then...
Nothing at all
No…  breath
No…  heartbeat
No…  light
No…  energy
No…  person­
She was... gone...
Risk
Darkness blinds me
Brightness scares me
I’m not known for my courage
But I’ll take my chances.
Green
I’m ice cold,
Fingers numb and trembling
Heart achy and quivering
Legs whipped to bright red rawness
Skin itching and covered in goosebumps
My whole body burning at the freezing point
My brain malfunctioning… buffering
And my whole existence defiled, left scarred.
If only I hadn’t been wearing green the night of the traffic light party.
Desperate
You are desperate,
More broken than you ever thought it was a possible for a human to be
And you just need a hope that you’ll survive the hour
So you pop a pill
But it doesn’t have nearly the power you need
Not nearly enough of a kick to save you
So before you know it you’re taking two to get through the night, every night
And then three, four
But then a small handful
(well as small as you can get; you forced yourself to squeeze some of the large handful back in the bottle)
And then six, eight
But then you don’t even want to bother counting anymore
Because it’s 4:00 in the morning and you’re grappling with a bottle
Knowing you’re two hours away from facing your mom
And four from seeing your friends
But part of you has been pulling away from them, to cover up your…  situation
But part of you is hoping they’ll follow, and see that you’re different, that you need help
And, all in all, you don’t know if you started out better than this or worse
You only know a few things:
You need as many pills as you can get but you need to make everything seem normal
You are desperate.
Big Reputation
Big unwieldy reputation
Everytime I take a step it’s a big conversation
But nobody ever wants to talk about the real me
And once upon a time I had someone by my side
But I learned long ago real friends are hard to come by
Well, if good people are hard to find that must be why trust is even harder
Big unwieldy reputation
And people who want to play like adults but are scared like children
Because they’ve learned nothing in life is ever, not even close
And they know every move you make enlarges your reputation
No, no, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s true
It matters if it’s good; it matters if it’s exciting
Because we are a ruthlessly sick crowd craving a taste of excitement
Which is why we all get left with a big unwieldy reputation.
Big unwieldy reputation.
TRUST
I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long just striving to breathe
And so I’ve managed to teach myself
Some people can’t be trusted
Can’t be trusted at all
I’m done letting myself waste time with all this hurting
So I’m finished with all this blindly optimistic trusting
Instead, I think it’s time to show them what a real witch is.
I am a witch burning at her social stake
Who has spent too long dodging the pitchforks
And so I’ve managed to get good and things
Like running, and hiding,
Reading people and situations
I’m done letting myself hide from the light
So I’m finished with this blindly fearful trust
Instead, I think it’s time I took over my life.
No more fear and no more trust.
If I’m supposed to be a witch,
I will be a witch for them,
And however I want to,
I will show them what burning is.
Don’t Come For Me
I don’t care if you think you can save me
I don’t care if you think you have the right to change me
I don’t care if you think I’m scary or crazy or whatever
I don’t care if you think I’m someone for you to change, to control
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.
I don’t care if your circuits are blown by being in my presence
I don’t care if your friends are coming for you over what I am
I don’t care if your hormones are raging out of control
I don’t care if your systems are screaming in a desperate need to lash out
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.
Do you understand now that not everything is about you
Do you understand now that you don’t get to run me
Do you understand now that I’m no toy for you to play around with
Do you understand now that causing strife by minding my business helps no one
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.
Letting Go
You might think I’m still that sweet young girl
Sitting around, combing her hair, baking cookies
And waiting patiently for the blessing of your love.
But as usual, you’d be so wrong.
I’ve got a new man with me
And he’s actually by my side, giving me his hours.
He opens up his soul to me and he earns my heart.
So here’s to what we were, and cheers to you
Because staying is nice, but…
Letting go is an even nicer thing to do.
Letting each other go was the best thing we ever did
And severing all ties wasn’t as easy as it should’ve been
But I was done with how you gave love to the highest bid
And now I’ve got a brand new, golden lover in my linen.
Broken
Let me love you, her luscious lips whispered.
Let me leave you, her bedroom eyes bellowed.
Let me own you, she insinuated to me.
Let me run you.
Let me break you.
I should have listened.
I should have loved her.
Let
Me
Love
You.
"Are you drunk?"
She hangs up.
One Good Reason
Give me one good reason, any at all
Why killing the silence will work this time
Then I will give this world one more chance
To not hurt me when there is no silence to safeguard
I will **** the silence, just give me one good reason to try
Everytime I let someone in they cut even deeper than the time before
But if you give me a reason to **** of the sacred safety of the silence I will try
I will try to trust, to have hope, to let go of all the hurt from the past, to move on
I just need one good reason why I shouldn’t remain tucked in the embrace of silence
And i will venture back out into the world with arms wide open and the door to my heart unlocked
Give me a reason to **** silence.
Eyes Roaming
Eyes roaming the room of riches
Like a tiny dancer bouncing on the air
Eyes roaming round and round and round
Like the florid horse on a beach-town carousel
Eyes roaming round the room of riches
Like someone getting ready for a takedown
And those took me down.
In That Moment…
Summer’s sweet sensuality slipped us a cocktail
Of “you’re my soulmate” and “you can fix me”.
Some flirty to spice it up,
Some **** to make it addicting,
And a gallon of all-consuming connectivity.
It took one moment for your heart
To be superimposed over mine, and vice versa.
It took one moment for you to forget all but me
And for my mind to forget I was ever alone.
It took one moment for us to find love.
Our eyes met
And in that gaze we held each other
Until that moment became a lifetime.
We talked for eighteen hours straight
Until that moment was our whole lifetime.
And you don’t even have to try to be perfect for me
Cause I don’t even have to hide any of me from your love
We fit seamlessly together, our flaws tying up each other’s loose ends
My dreams and your hopes, they complete the future that is our destiny
But I’m far too caught up in our moments to really know, ain’t that right?
You
I want to know you like the path to the Heavens that pulls me toward all things good and bright
I want to feel you like the kind of passion that burns and devours soul after soul in all-consuming fire
I want to touch you like these shaking fingers have never experienced anything from your world
I want to hold you like that breath that will remain with me even when it’s long gone like you
I want to have you like we can make ourselves believe there is nothing to life but you and me
I want to breathe you like my lungs are giving out but holding on all at once
I want to do you like a narcotic I’ll overdose on before anyone even knows I’m over my head
I want to love you in that indescribable way everyone calls ‘true’, a way I’ve never known love before
I want you.
Too Fast
You became my everything
Only you did it way too fast
And now the world is in chaos mode
Because I’m not used to being in love
And I don’t know how to be yours the way I want to be
I don’t know where the boundaries are, how to know…
The only certainty is that I love you,
And even Romeo and Juliet had that
But I don’t want us to be anything like them,
I want to keep you and cherish you forever
I’d hate letting you or our love slip out through my fingertips
The thing is, I’m not used to having a love a could hold
This all happened so fast, way too fast for me to even understand
Can you understand all this?
Here’s to our love thriving like this for a whole lifetime,
But even more importantly,
Here’s to us understanding the care and keeping of true love.
Spotlight
Put a spotlight on me,
Let it slide slow, down my skin.
You can have me for free,
If you let the show sink in.
I can dance for you, honey,
Put a spotlight on me.
You make all my days sunny,
So I can set you free.
If you’re ready to live to the fullest and be fulfilled,
I’m ready to satisfy your cravings like chocolate.
All you have to do is tell me: real raw or finely milled?
Give the word and you’ll have me stipped down to just my locket.
Put a spotlight on me,
And I’ll put a spotlight on you.
Give you whole heart to me,
And I’ll give my whole heart to you.
Our World
The diamond ring on my left hand
Sparkles when the light touches it;
And I didn’t think that anything
Could make me this happy.
But the diamonds glisten,
And in fact I know happiness
Like I have never felt before.
It’s like my past with all is crazy troubles
Doesn’t even matter anymore.
There is only the future,
And no longer is that future only me.
Now that a simple diamond is resting with me
It feels as if nothing could be wrong in our world.
How We Celebrated Christmas
On the morning of the 26th
He drove me to the beach
So we watched the sunrise over the sea
Then he treated me to breakfast
And took me shopping at all my favorite stores that are still open
Then we walked around and smelled the scents of the beach town
We finally got to the bay just in time for the sunset
Which is where we took romantic pictures
And- maybe the best part-
He took me to favorite restaurant,
When I asked him how he knew about it
He said he’d gone back three years of insta posts to find it
But he didn’t let me get dessert
Instead he took me to our favorite fudge place
Which was where he’d customized my perfect fudge for me and bought three pounds
And because he’d been taking me places all day
All I could think was
TAKE MEE
When we woke up the next morning,
He had a mischi