I'm not defending him,
I'm just stating how I felt
that he was the world and the sunshine,
Even when everything else was a storm.

He was something I wanted to believe in,
Even if I knew that I should not.
Still I can't look at him without thinking what I thought,
I can't link what I've discovered when I'm looking at his face,
or listening to his voice in words that comfort me
and take the only place I seem to hold for him.

I know everyone is only an illusion,
I knew it all before,
This didn't have to be another lesson,
That everyone else seems to take better.

I've memorised, you see,
Everything that will happen
and how you should respond to it.
I knew it all along this journey and did not once forget,
I pushed it aside instead
because I wanted something more.

Now I stand and watch everyone being angry,
Being hateful and for the former rightfully so,
and probably for the latter.
I don't have a place in it though,
I can't do it and I don't want to,
So most of the time I am quiet instead,
Because I know my reasoning isn't in anyone's head.

I know you can't offer sorrow or mercy,
Not to him, and only deranged looks at me.
I believe something went wrong,
Which obviously you can all see,
I know you don't care for the deeper, darker picture
But I can't help but be intrigued.
I know you'd say I'm delusional, weak minded even,
That I just have to find a way to make the reality a little lighter.
You're probably right.

But I don't want to hate him.
I'm getting more distant I think,
In the months away from him,
It's almost like he's not real now:
a figment of a teenage dream,
Tarnished by the nightmares he knew he had created
And hid for his own benefit.

He's a danger to others,
I guess I'm starting to see this slightly when I see his face,
It comes with practice and repeated words to remind myself before I look.
With more time I suppose he'll have completely vanished
And mean less and less,
So that one day I may not need to offer sympathy.

It's just a little secretly funny,
How I doubt my trust for men,
But I ignored his faults so easily,
After all he couldn't touch me
He was too far away, too in my dreams.
Maybe he's just a statement
of how I know to never believe.