It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way about anything… and I think I’ve needed this for longer than I care to admit. I thought it was fine that I didn’t feel like I do now but I really just don’t want this to end. For the first time since… before I can remember maybe even longer than that I feel like I have something worth devoting my life to and this sense of purpose feels amazing, exhilarating even….
Now I realize 2 things, first and foremost, as I am close to overstating is that this is better than anything I have ever experienced. Second, sadly you don’t feel the same way… and that hurts. But that’s fine I cannot force you to feel the same emotions that I feel. Furthermore this pain I feel from a love unrequited is significant, it burns in my chest in the most beautiful crimson and at times I fear it will take my life… I feel it could, but the fact that it hasn’t shows it’s benevolent nature. Yes this benevolent beautiful burning bullshit crimson pain born of these feelings I still hold for you. This is life! It may not be pleasant but I can’t say that there is anything better than this. This complex tapestry of emotions… rage sorrow and regret all raise a hand when the role is called and they are very much present… they are presents and they are fucking up every aspect of my Christmas… it’s beautiful how trashed this holiday season has become and with love I will clean up this disaster… regardless of if you are there to see this projects completion…