I knew it existed
I knew as I knew the sky was blue
I knew it existed
As I knew blood filled my body
And It was real because it held my soul
It was in the way my breath left my mouth
It was in the way my heart beat so crookedly
It was in the way I woke up and stood
And there was a million threads pulling my mind reminding me that insanity was my companion
I knew it existed because I didn't need science and the makeup of my brain to know that my veins were broken
Broken in the way that they didn't function correctly
The gears that moved to bring sunlight weren't there
And I was trapped in forever night
I knew it existed because my throat burned and my stomach knotted  
And it was so common, so regular, so certain
That it grew on me, in me
and it was a tree that did not bear fruit
But bore branches that formed from my head
To my heart
To my legs
To me
And it hurt very much
Even in time
Because It didn't get better
Or hurt less
I've just settled
Because it's not a choice if it's there or not
I knew it was real
Because I was so incredibly broken by everything that surrounded me
Even the things that should have fixed me
And I knew it existed
Because it was the one thing that had never left me
how I wish it was the one thing that left me