Why? why wont i let me sleep? why dream of your own demise, not death, no but the worse possibly loss. The loss of a dream of love and a long fought for cause. Why feel hurt not there not real? for what purpose? This fear is not even real fear this terror only a shadow of the real horror. I have truly been hurt and have felt loss, deep seated betrayal.
why so dramatic?
why imagine it when its not even there a culmination of my entire life's sum of pain and terror. why as if it walks through as a aloof ghost wandering the endless halls of overly reflective mirrors.
Is this my ego? over compensating for the lack of constant pain something i was so used too an button mashed and jammed in.
a slight haze of mild depression.
my ego almost hungry for a reason to hurt as if hurt was a natural normal state and neutral happiness abnormal.
shut up ego this is not a soap opera.
I have come this far I have fought this hard to attain everyday happiness and an occasional bad day with my one person to not halfheartedly later drown my self in a miasma of imagined scenarios of anguish loss, agony and terror.
Shut up ego i dont need to relive the million probabilities and possibilities that my life could have gone or might go.
be here now. look around. the demons are gone, wendy isnt here. and he is still here so am I and no one is changing that.