it never fails to blow my mind, how two years can change you
it's inevitable, i have come to find, but that doesn't mean that you grew
sometimes change is a negative thing
pushing you backwards, negating progress made
oftentimes even unearthing
aspects of yourself better left decayed
outweighed by the better qualities possessed

in two years, i have become someone of whom i cannot be proud
no matter how desperately i wish to look in the mirror and view myself without self-loathing
circumstances surrounding me and my own brain chemistry result in my being unallowed
to see myself without thinking in terms that are scathing
so i hang a shroud over the mirrors in my house that's not a home
let smoke do the rest of the disguising
and wander through the interior of my mind, a veritable catacomb
looking inward, introspecting, and overall despising
myself on every level for being who and where I am

and somehow the hardest part is recognizing
that i have no one but myself to blame for feeling no one understands
because my demons, they make letting people in agonizing
by constantly reminding me of how well that went for me last time
but if i don't try again and extend that trust
how will i ever know anything but this endless alienation
and i run the risk of letting my emotions rust

so i'll try to lower my walls for you and hope that i don't wind up regretting
this emotional oration
and hopefully the good will wind up offsetting
any consequences of the negative variety
and you won't consider my openness and impropriety
though i know you won't, because you're an expert at expressing
how it is you're feeling and whatever you're thinking
- even if you're not through processing
and i envy
that
about you