i find myself at a loss
when i try to explain the nature of executive dysfunction
because there's no simple way to explain how i can't bring myself to cross
the small space between my bed and my desk to get a drink of water because my brain is in a state of malfunction

it's not about laziness, nor procrastination
it's not won't, but rather can't and a feeling of self-damnation
because my depression turns me into this abomination
with a predisposition to uselessness and declination
filling me with a constant dread and worry that anyone around me is subject to contamination
that somehow what is wrong with me will either result in infecting them or leading them into ruination
much like how that bleak hallucination of a malformed machination pushed me steadily down this road whose culmination and fruition can only be
my
end

but in one aspect i am fortunate because i don't believe in predestination
so odds are that i can still change this outcome
refuse to give in to my executive dysfunction's attempts at *******
and maybe, just maybe, overcome