in retrospect "you broke my heart, you *******" may not have been the best conversation opener
but at that point it was just truth spilling out of me, like blood after the executioner
has done his job and my suffering has ended
even though we both know it hasn't and might not
and these wounds can't just be mended

i remind myself over and over
that, as a good friend, i should be happy that you've found your happiness
but it's hard when that disconnect between my brain and my heart still results in viewing you with love
even though we've both acknowledged my "unworthiness"

i remember the feeling
the pounding of my heart in my ears
the way you set me reeling
when you told me why you were pushing me aside, reinforcing all of my fears
that i was unwanted and would never be wanted
that i would never be loved or desired
and by these feelings i continue to be haunted

and now that you appear to have finished
ripping my heart into pieces
it pains me to confess that my feelings don't appear to have diminished
but i continue to hold out hope that this ******* eventually ceases

because i cannot continue to live like this
struggling to reclaim the pieces of my soul you've taken
hoping that some day my heart and soul will reawaken
because right now i'm not sure i'll ever love anyone again
at least not like i used to

not like i loved you

because words have power and they can cut so deeply
that no amount of gauze or direct pressure, no tourniquet can staunch the bleeding
so i smile and hope it hides the pain in my eyes
think "ow, my feelings"
and say aloud "i'm fine" because i've gotten so used to telling "socially acceptable" lies