Just because you stop planning to do something
Doesn’t mean every part of you stops wanting it.
As I lie here and let my skin sink into the cold concrete,
I think of how this is where I wished to end.
And I turn over to my knees and begin to pray
For anything,
Everything,
That if there is a god out there,
Will he please hear me?
Because I don’t know if I believe anymore.
And all I want is some kind of sign,
But I don’t ask for one,
Because I know the definition of faith.
In actuality, all I wanted was the truth.
But, you see, though the truth is absolute,
It is also obsolete.
It is avoided at all cost.
And, though you can’t lie it away,
You all attempt to.

I almost killed myself.
I almost ******* killed myself, even though I didn’t want to die.
I just wanted the pain to stop.
And you…
You laid there in my bed and pulled me close,
Held my hand and told me you care,
Told me you were scared to death that I was gone,
Kissed my forehead and then my lips.
You asked for my trust, and I gave it to you.
But you just continued carving the mask you began so long ago.
I was minutes away from swallowing two bottles of pills
Because of the lies swirling around me,
Beating my battered heart into the filthy ground…
And you still lied.

I never thought I’d see the day I believe that
He is more of a man than you.
But here we are in a world where he is the only person I trust.
Tell me, how ****** up is that?
He may have torn parts of my life to meaningless shreds a long time ago,
But at least he admits his wrongs.
You, on the other hand?
You aren’t even man enough to stay faithful,
Much less come clean to me.
Sometimes I wonder if you lie so much that you start to believe yourself.
Words mean nothing to me anymore.
So, I don’t want your “I’m-sorrys” or “I-care-about-yous.”
Because you don’t mean it,
And if you do, then all I want is for you to prove it to me.

You see, I’m not the girl I used to be.
I ripped the naïve heart I gave to you from my chest
And stabbed it with every ounce of realism I could find,
Betraying any kind of faith or trust I had in this world.
My new heart beats to the rhythm of skepticism and independence,
Though, somehow, you still make it skip a beat,
And I know it could open up to you,
If we'd just let it.
I’ve finally shaken the devil from my shoulder
So that baby steps push me upward.
But here I am, still feeling, still wanting the truth to spill from your lips.
So, if you ever decide to stop being scared,
Maybe I will too.
I’ve just come to only believe in actions.

But, as I continue to lay here on this stained masterpiece of a stairwell,
I’m oddly content and inexplicably peaceful.
Only two words come to mind that I have left to pen.
And from the bottom of my heart, I mean them quite dearly:

**** this.