lately i don’t know how to talk about myself without mentioning the chaos and the heartbreak and the loneliness and all the sadness that’s within me. i think i’ve suffered enough for a lifetime and maybe that’s why i feel like i’m just done with life. lately i try to make the best out of every day and i struggle constantly not to let my mind set free and i’m afraid i might just end it. honestly, i’d hate to do that to the people that i love because i know my father doesn’t deserve all that misery and the grief and the pain. and i don’t want my mother to think it’s her fault because she’s been doing good for a while. i think she’s growing and becoming a better person and i honestly believe in her and have forgiven her for everything that happened and would hate to be the reason why she has a new breakdown and i’m terrified that if she did she’d never get better again. i don’t want to be the reason why she gives up on herself -or anything else. and my brother’s such a sweetheart. so loving and so strong. i could never do that to him. i could never take away from him the chance to see me get married and have kids and have him come over and cook together in my big house and be besties with my wife and take my kids out for ice cream. i could never. and my friends, they have been a blessing for me in this time specifically, i can’t thank them enough. thank you for coming with me to places that are so simple yet cause me so much anxiety and thank you for never making fun and thank you for being kind to me. thank you for making me laugh of myself and others and showing me just how easy it all can be sometimes. thank you for giving me perspective and positivity when we all know that there’s none of that left in me. thank you for showing me how it is like to believe in love and great things and magic and dreams and opportunities and thank you for showing me that sometimes believing in people turns out to be a good thing.

i’ve always wanted to go to pride but this year i’m not sure if i’ll make it. i hope i do. i hope i find the strength. i hope it’s not too late for me to get better. i hope i just refuse to listen to myself because i’m never nice. it’s harder if you’re not nice to yourself. sometimes i think i’m cool and good looking and hot and at the same time i’m so disgusted and ashamed of being alive. it’s just insane.

i just hope i’m going in the right direction. i hope this hopelessness changes soon and i hope this pain takes me somewhere better.

i feel like i’m writing a goodbye letter and maybe i am. i don’t know yet.