I can't feel you anymore.. but when I think I almost can my ears burn hot. I swear it was your breath on them that made mine quicker. I've felt the way your lips laquered my earrings clink against your teeth I don't think I can hear my own voice in my head anymore you've slurred it all to a resonant mmmmhmmm. Funny how frogs won't jump out of boiling water and i'm choking on another vision of you choking me, hard inside me. I guess I knew you never wanted to hear my real voice. Just a throat crushing squeak never easy to shush me but I let you. I let you whisper inadequacies into my soul till I wasn't sure I had one but I was always more soulful seeping so I thought your shriveled heart could soak me up. Soak us both but you wanted a stream line trickle. Predictable, not so fickle. Im nothing if not an intangible tide tossing showers of sediment to swirl in new space. There is no space for your sturdy stillness settling was something I tried to do for you. But the breeze doesn't stop when you're standing still, I couldn't pause the tides of will. Still see you so scared of drowning never treked past where toes could touch. But boy I am much fuller than you'll feel, much deeper than you'll see. Seldom stray far from shore shapes shallow eyes caught beneath. I've been listening to the clouds. I've been singing a new heat. Tell myself again, I'm worthy. I am worthy of love from me. In a quake of sadness shake dust from the places you touched. Solace in the touch of a new he. Nothing like a brush with your body but I'm remembering what it's like to feel free. Wavering joy with sadness missing you and hating you and forgiving you and forgiving myself and forgetting to love myself remembering loving you then finding the hurt you gave me and piecing it into a poem I've lit on fire twice now, rewriting my mind won't be as easy as I thought but my heads above the water and the sun might take a peak. I know there's forces fear won't foster. Trading past for future cut like a movie scene. Where I command role of self. Self assured. Rest assured my waves will crash. I will stop hating them the way you taught me to. Some soul will swim strokes with the fish, learn their names and places. Some soul will surf my biggest waves, tuck them into the shore. Calm and twirl my tides with ease it was easy to believe you could catch with such bait but I can't blame you for getting sea sick. For slight of heart has no place in mine. I wager these waters will draw a Poseidon sink or swim.