you and he/him are different people *

consumed in perpetual darkness
deep down i feel i’ll always be heartless
you’re like the cut to my throat and
your words are the poison infecting my soul
you are the veil blinding me and
your presence is the thick pain coursing through my veins until i become too weak to stabilize myself
lies freeze on the brim of your lips
still windless breath
remembering broken promises with burning eyes
consciousness does make for poor windows

but every time i saw him its like he was shining
so blinding
the hands of october, gray and wide
the autumn moon had tipped and spilled the contents of my being
but every time i thought of him it's like i could
reach up and cut off the edges of stars and
repair now-open scars and
wrench off the bars that hold people captive
time inevitably passes and i stand here alone
i want to scream the words that can't ever seem to escape my mouth
with a gasp of air i want to release myself from a dream that never ceases
mindless and doubt-ridden
i follow my thoughts around like an ellipsis at the end of a sentence
i trail after them into that deep place i can't even describe anymore
a place where i can't even breathe anymore

when i think of beautiful things, he comes to mind
i remember conversations that never happened
oversleeping on the bed of my lungs
i wanted to rip off the muzzle on his face that bore silence and
lead him from the grin of eternity
i could’ve whispered him out of star dust
against the twilight and set him free
and i made a mistake while my heart was breaking
i wanted everything to be perfect
and nothing can be perfect
i watched his eyes walk away and i couldnt even see him
i ache inside while i wait for a breath to take

i feel guilt like the blind wolf with
foggy, restless breath
and you can only imagine it's imploring eyes
what will i do when your body gives up to the grave?
and when i’m still afraid of what comes tomorrow

invisible hands caress my face
fingers curling around my thoughts and nesting unthinkables
why do i exist?
to just listen to your commands and demands?
am i supposed to choke down your venom with a glass of water?
your escaped worlds and flesh’s rage
sometimes i feel you’re exacted by your faith
maybe you were born to live in the sky
floating through timeless winds without ever
a single good-bye
i fall down stairs that are nothing but air
the sun falls under the horizon
just like your soul

the architecture of my thinking leads me to him
i miss his smile and the cool hand that encircles mine
i need him to split me open and dig inside and grasp my heart
i need him to know the thoughts i hide
he held my heart like the barren serenity of the desert
i drown in memories of him
i lie gently on the cold, dark earth
knowing i’ll have to crawl home
the moon rises --
the glorious lamp of night skies

he’ll rest in soft peace
with all the words
i never got around to say
i breathe in a breath of life
i hear sad, endless rain through the thick dark

it’s yours.