you can’t say you didn’t see it coming
nothing like that passes away peacefully
the fire was inevitable, and each night
while you slept next to her, you thought
of all the ways things were going bad

you two never talked, she loved you
but did you love her? and did she even
love you? maybe you were just a wallet
to her, once the money ran out so did
her love, how could you even know,
you never really talked to her anymore

so when the news came in and ****
hit the fan, you were not surprised
hurt, yes, you were hurt, but not
surprised, it would a lie and an insult
to say that

it was impossible to feel the pain
like you were supposed to because
you had already felt it, let it go, and
moved on a thousand times before
as you faded into sleep next to her

the pain was a dull poison, one you’d
already been injected with before and
had long since become immune to but
it still made you sick, didn’t it? you still
felt it, but you refused to feel it, because
why should you? you knew this was
coming

so in the months prior, as things returned
to normalcy and life resumed its course,
you began feeling all those feelings you
were supposed to be feeling all those
months ago

it didn’t hit you suddenly, not like a heart
attack or a crushing realization, much more
like a stomach virus or a creeping realization:
there was the vague feeling of sickness and,
then, you were puking, left dying by the toilet
as all this inner turmoil worked its way
out of you

that lasted for a long time didn’t it?
and it felt good didn’t it?

you didn’t see this coming, because you’d
lived with the pain for so long, you no longer
thought there was release from it, you had
long since realized and long since accepted
that the city had burned to the ground and
it was all your fault because you laid in bed
next to her, utterly terrified, incapable of
the strength necessary to save her and you,
and when the first sparked you let it burn
because to you, there was no other way

what you learned with each heave was this:
you ****** you. she ****** up more. get
over it. get on with things. look out that
window there. see that blue sky? see that
white sun? those were going to be yours,
but instead you laid underneath a blue moon
and prayed for a solution to emerge from
the black night, and now it has.

then, like a light-switch,
the world was bright again.