today i am encouraged
feeling free and full of life
today i feel like writing my best poem
today feels like every other day wasn't a day
when i feel like this it makes me forget and forgive
what is so different about today?
i showered
maybe thats it
maybe its the shower we force ourselves to take
the same way we force ourselves out of bed
it is not easy for people like us to function as normal
it takes that much more effort to get out of bed
to get in the shower
to drink a coffee
to smoke a cigarette
and then finally,
normal
now i can interact
now i can be social
now I'm happy
now,
now i am okay
now lets listen to music
now lets study
now lets talk to that cute girl in class
wait, before all this lets make sure we take our pill
okay pill taken,
phew! pill taken,
last step in the daily cycle
last step in feeling okay...
hey roommate!
"*******"
day over, day ruined
all that preparation
all the pills
the coffee
the nicotine
all that to waste
all that to waste because of an *******
because of the ******* roommate
because being "emotionally fragile" doesn't allow for forgiveness
because being hurt doesn't allow you to brush things off
because every interaction is the most important interaction you will ever have
because when you are me, being alive is a full time job
listen!
im not saying i have it worse than you
I'm saying that i am like you
and we are not like them
they don't know what it is like to have a twenty foot Carter in the center of your body
and ever snarling comment and every backhanded stare adds boulders and boulders to the Carter
splitting me down the center
adding to the depth
adding to the hurt
keeping me in bed
keeping me in my room
keeping me in the book
keeping me at the library
keeping me alone!
because the next boulder could be the final one that splits me down the center and cracks me in half.