What am I playing at?
Why am I even here?

I thought going to church again and being in God’s “presence” would bring me relief or at least break the dam so I could express this intense sadness by crying like it used to…


Nothing.


What’s the point if I can’t even get comfort from God anymore?
What’s left to fight for, to hope for?


I felt drawn to visit the river. Maybe it’d be a good place to cry… But now it just feels like I’m dancing with the devil.

The thought of jumping in and letting the cold water carry me away seems so **** tempting.

And it scares me so much.


I should get up and walk back up the hill, but my limbs feel both powerless and not mine.

**** depression.
**** sadness and pain.
**** the tears that won’t fall.
**** death and **** living.


I shouldn’t have come.
I shouldn’t be here.