I woke the boys up and had them get ready for school.
I went back to bed and smoked a cigarette as I heard Colton say he was leaving and that I was to remember that he wasn't coming back tonight after school but was having peewee take him to Russell, spending the weekend with his friend-girl Jennifer as he had done a few other times.
I reminded him he would be responsible for finding his own ride back
(but he knew if push came to show, ol' Mom would come get him as a last resort)
and I asked him if he wanted a ride to the school bus but for some reason, he said no.
I asked him if he wanted the cell phone, i had stopped paying his alltel bill because i couldn't afford it, so he shared mine most of the time but he said no to that also, which was out of character for him but i said "ok have a good day at school, love you"

and i heard the door shut


and my boy was never heard from again.
I am grateful that my last words were that I loved him, but gawd ****** why didn't i put down the cigarette and get my *** out of bed, open the bedroom door and walk 10 feet to tell him face to face with eye contact, with a hug good bye, what a good son he had been and what a unique spot he held in the family and with his siblings, his 3 brothers, his 2 sisters, "The Bratty Bunch" and what an honor it was to have been the one to be his Mommy, to give him a hug and take a just a few extra seconds of that morning to somehow make sure he knew that i knew that he knew that i've truly loved him for the 17 years, 11 months and 1 week we had spent together.