I sat there emotionless, starring down the hospital hallway. Lights that lightened the corridor so perfectly it would've taken a perfectionist to align them like that. I thought and thought while my friend sat next to me thinking about her grandpa who was dying in front of her eyes. Too wrapped up in my own scary thoughts, I wasn't able to focus enough to have the courage to look at her.
What if it was me, trapped in this hallway, feeling more lifeless than ever in a pink walled room. It was although I felt something take over my mind, a voice telling me that I deserve to be there. I somewhat felt trapped, almost like I couldn't move. Having the cops called on your for being ‘suicidal’ makes you question yourself, and any thought that runs through your mind.
Why?
Why?
..Why, me?
These thoughts consumed me for the short time I was stuck in this mindset. I was scared, and worried. Why do I feel like this, I kept asking myself. My best friends grandpa was dying in the moment, and I was sitting there questioning my existence. I couldn't knock myself back into reality, I felt paralyzed. It was like I was in a movie. I starred down that hallway and pictured myself being stuck there, I pictured myself screaming and crying to be let out.
Maybe I am that ****** up, maybe I should be locked up and trapped in a loony bin. My thoughts eat me alive and that is something I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of. In that moment I realized that I wanted to be set free, free from all of the hurt and pain - all of the things that have power over me. Maybe I do deserve to be locked up, but I sure as hell hope I never am.