I lie awake, the silence of the old house unnatural
Unbearable.
My eyes won't close and the clock ticks by
35
36
37
Another moment and ill need to be up.
Starting again the overwhelming urge to step in front of a bus.
The overwhelming urge to overdose on insulin or slice my wrist just a little too deep.
I wake up to this feeling of death.
It greets me
Welcomes me.
Knows me now by name.
It hold my hand and comforts my soul,
Reminding me it will always be there to catch me if I fall
When I fall
For I will fall.
I have never been able to imagine my life after 25, and this year it was thirty but never after that.
The rate at which my vision increases is disproportionate to the rate in which my inability to see the future increases.
I feel lonely and overwhelmed and in a constant state of misery.

I feel alone. And like if I tried hard enough, maybe people would come to the funeral when I die.