I have become
The queen
Of my own dreamscape
A hell I built
Of myself
And for myself

I have seen the blood
And smelled the sulphur
I have touched the caked on dignity
And erupted from the grave

That I dug for myself
And dig deeper
Every time I close my eyes
The thoughts dance for me
Writhing masses of guilt
And things I pine for
Things I'll never have

Because the time is not now
But when I sleep
The time is right
Because there isn't time at all
And I wish,
if not for this self inflection,
That I'd forget like I'm supposed to

I used to only remember
The splatter and heart attacks
That haunted me
The external demons
That I swore would devour me
Absorb my soul
And burn me alive
From the outside

The dreams that made me sleep walk
But now it's as if
Even in my waking
I am deeper
In my own internal nightmare
A hell built by myself

The new queen
Of all things ****** up
Of broken mirrors
And repressed memories
With every blink I take
I am discovering
A deeper capacity
For longing

And I have opened wounds
I never knew were there
And it's as if
My skin means nothing
Because when I sit in the black throne
My muscles twist
And tear
And convulse while still on my bones

With every breath I inhale
The concrete settles
On my bones
And in my blood
And on my family

We're all in this together
The foundation
Is cracking
And soon this house
Will burn down with me

I dive into an ocean
So deep within the grey matter
I didn't know existed
Things
Get
Heavier
I wonder when I'll crack from the pressure