trigger warning*
im picking at my own skin
like im on some kind of drug
but instead my cold sweats are caused by
the ringing in my ears
im telling you no
please stop, i don't want to again
please
you are not listening
you are only moaning
do i owe you this?
did my consent an hour ago warrant my consent now?
it hurts
god it hurts and i want to go home
i ask you again
eventually you stop and we lay next to each other
i apologize
and for what?
i hear your insecure laugh between sentences now as i kneel down next to the toilet and dry heave
i wonder how i could ever stomach the sound of that laugh again
i watch my weight dwindle in my thighs and i remember the way you loved when i kissed your neck
i feel my fingers grasping a cigarette but i don't recognize it as my own touch
i know what to call it but i don't know how
how i continued to love you despite the time you forced yourself on me in the place i felt the safest
in your arms