You want everything
That isn't yours.
We're patching the ugly pieces
And pasting over the bad photos.
Don't get sad
Get angry.
You're always angry at me.
I'm trying my best.
I'm bleeding from my hands.
If I could cut out any more of me
I'd look like a cadaver.
Maybe that's what I already look like.
I just want you to smile.
I will never be the face you want
When you open your eyes.
Things have been done backwards.
They are irreparable.

I am not the future
Nor am I the past.
I'm barely the present.
I'm a pillow to sleep on,
Not necessary,
Only comfortable.
I know that I can't fix anything.
I'll crucify myself trying.
I wish I was the one you think about
At night.
I wish you wanted to hold me
Half as much as you did her before.
Now the memory
Is here forever
Because of it.
My resentment is lead poisoning.
I think maybe
I should lay down.

I keep trying not to watch
Myself
Eating me alive.
You're mean when you're drunk.
I'm mean when I'm unhappy.
If you look closely
(But not really)
You just might see
A correlation.
I just wanted you to be
The gauze in my chest.
I can't fill the holes,
I was born with these.
There isn't even blood pouring out
Anymore.
The scar tissue happened
So long ago.
There's nothing that can be done.

I'll never be
The first.
No matter how many times
I **** myself
I won't be
The last.
I hear it
When you cough
But it's my lungs that are
burning.
I know someday
I'll open my eyes
And I'll have to remember
How to breathe
With water in my lungs too.

I do not have high hopes.
I don't have hope
At all.
While I stand here
Trying to close
The shutters in the storm
The hail
Breaks all the windows
And I crack
With every
Piece
Of glass.
I wasn't built for this.

I'm not a figure
Even when I wish I was.
I will always be looking from
Outside the window
Wishing I had the money
To truly change things
When I don't.
Even if
I found myself a billionaire
Blood is thicker
Than the layer
Of pennies at the bottom
Of a wishing fountain.

You sit there
Your eyes plastic
Like all the little dolls
I used to love
And I wish I could be that pretty.
Every time
You fix yourself
Onto something else.
I find myself buried
A little deeper in the toy chest,
And you won't remember
My old nickname in a while.
I'm trying hard
To forgive
And accept things
For the ugly way they are.
The more I fight the current,
The more I taste the salt
In the riptide.
I was never
Even
Here.

Why can't you just
Look at me.
She got the last laugh.
She has the permanent reminder.
I am temporary,
The current obsession.
I was never
Even
Here