I have never had power
I have had quiet
ears ringing. closed doors. locked latches. computers.televisions. a mind.
I have had loud
ears pulsing. slamming doors. broken latches. heavy breath. a body.
I have never had a voice
I have had waves of screaming. sarcastic laugh. distracted listener. belittlement.
I have never had freedom
I have had you will do this. friends aren't allowed here. keep these things quiet.
I have never had confidence
I have had hidden tortilla chips. body in mirror. seeking another. fear of eye contact.
I have never had calm
I have had lingering rage. harboring fear. persistent inadequacy.
I have never had support.
I have had pick a side. figure it out. go away. get ready. you're fine.
I have never had a self
I have had starving. vomit in showers. lack of opinion. seeking of clues. hiding. drugs. alcohol. friends who accompany my demise.
I have never had a passion for life
I have had unfamiliar bodies. missed classes. suicidal ideation. hopelessness.
I have never had healing.
I am trying to find it now.
I am.