You’re right it shouldn’t have happened
Especially not that way
Even though I’m not sure what way “that way” was
I feel terrible
My gut wrenches with pain just thinking about it
It hurts the most when I think of my decisions in this
I was a horrible friend, a horrible person and for that I am truly sorry
I still write out texts to you, but I never send them
Probably because I’m scared
Of what? I’m not sure.

I don’t know why but I didn’t realize that we went really friends anymore until it had been two months since I’d just walked into your kitchen
It didn’t hit me til I had to scroll down in my texts to find your name
There wasn’t really a conversation or even a conscience decision that caused this
It all just happened and suddenly it was April and I hadn’t seen you since January.

When grandpa went back to the hospital after the heart attack he asked about you
Erin asks about you sometimes too
It’s funny because whenever we talk about college she runs in to tell us that she’s going to Parkside just like you
My parents asked why we don’t hang out anymore
I didn’t have an answer to give them
Or at least a good answer to give them.

No matter what, I read your poem
Thought you should know that I do miss you
I miss being able to trust someone with everything, even though I lied a lot at the end there
I miss things I never thought I would like laying on your basement bedroom floor
Or sitting in your backyard playing songs on that old acoustic guitar
Memories of driving through the industrial park with all the windows down blasting some pop punk anthem we both screamed at the top of our lungs
(“He doesn’t look a think like Jesus...”)
I miss automatically calling you whenever I needed to talk so someone or even just to hear your voice
I miss all of it
And I feel like a **** for letting it just end, “like this.”

I did end up calling you today and just hearing that 3 year old voicemail message with your voice had me in tears
They say that someone’s voice is the first thing you forget
Maybe that’s why it broke me
I spent every ring of the phone secretly hoping you’d pick up but also hoping you wouldn’t because I know you feel this pain too
You don’t have to call me back
I’m betting you’ve moved on from my broken, insecure, and slightly dependent personality and found someone new or gone to someone old to confide in
I do hope that you have someone else that you’ve been talking too
Either way this is me reaching out
It’s fine if you’ve moved on from me or you’re mad at me and never want to hear my voice or see me again
I’ll completely understand and take your silence as my answer
But if you miss me too or there is just a sliver of anything still there then we should have dinner
I’ve still got eleven dollars on that Olive Garden gift card your parents got me for Christmas.

I never did like endings
You know about me tearing out the last pages of books before I read them because if you don’t read the last page the story never truly ends
This could be our last page and I’ve no idea how to end it
So I’ll just leave it with this:

One day I’m going to be telling my kids about high school and letting them look through my yearbooks and they’re gonna ask me who I’m with in those newspaper photos and I hope I’ll have more to say than “a friend I once had.”