Drowning sensations encircled my mind and swallowed every ray of hope I had of seeing you.
My doubts spoke but never loud enough to choke out the messages I read from you at night.
And no matter how many times you said I love you I could never trust a single one till the last time you said it.
And your goodbyes stung the hardest the moments after you left.
Because I could never register them.
I could never forgive myself for blaming everything on the world and you.
And you were my reason for wanting, to begin with.
I had never wanted
Longed
Benignity
Wistfully
Felt entitled to anything in my life as Much as your love.
And every breath I took added seconds away from the day it'd all be taken away from me.
We both counted down the moon cycles like tiny thumb tacks falling off your moms favorite poster until it cascaded into the ground and she stopped hanging it up.
We were put out to dry because our egos were more of a monster than our imagination at bedtime.
And darling your monsters were always heavier than mine, but at least you had the strength to keep them at bay.
Unlike all the times you watched mine escape.
And because of that I'll never forget that chapter of my life where we argued into the night and scowered our never ending library of mistakes we had marked as UNCONSTITUTIONAL TO THIS LOVE BANK OF AGREEMENTS we never signed.
So I left the dotted lines.
And the ink from all the pens in our house dried.
As your lips parted from mine and I sighed, knowing this would be our last goodbyes.
And I finally saw your demons that night.
Just like how you always put up with mine.
And they were beautiful.
Because they all looked like you.
And I'll always treasure that memory of how we came to thrive off eachothers being.
And how late late at night years after our fighting and constant mood killings and mood swings.
I called you.
Knowing there was always a piece residing in you
That was mine.
I love you.
Goodnight