Jun 2017
Trying to describe the day that I finally gave up is nearly impossible.
It created in me this uneasiness,
But now I'm overwhelmed with a calm I can hardly verbalize.
I stood on the hillside,
Under the stars,
Then I rolled up my sleeve,
And saw my scars.
All the while,
Trying to smile,
When memories started surface.
I was reminded of all the slicings of that ****** blade across my arm,
And all the thoughts of self harm,
That it brought.
How I just wanted to rot,
And tear up the inner walls of my mind.
All I wanted was to find...
That authentic happiness that resided in so many of my peers.
Not finding it brought me to tears.
My eyelids were swolen.
And so was my heart.
It reeked of fumes that could tear you apart.
All the inner sores that were held within my being,
Were caused by my fears, anxieties, and paranoia.
Being held captive by them, while hiding in plain sight, is obliterating... to one!
I crave a gift... rare and precious, that so many have the capacity and strength to hold.
...that electricity that makes them look alive and vibrant... I wanted it.
I miss the days of constant oblivion, when nothing was there to muddy my understandings of life's complications.
Nothing was there to distort the view I once had... so long ago.
...or so I thought.
Obviously something was there.
And whatever it was, it allowed me to transition to one world to the next. I was in nothingness, and suddenly transported to another dimension of suffering and sorrow...
Of brokenness and devastation.
Obviously something was there.
Because I non-intentionally allowed it to intertwine with myself today.
My thoughts,
My feelings,
My decisions,
And everything that's me.
As I strattle this in between line of feeling lost and broken,
I see myself growing.
Extending in size and strength.
I see myself learning,
And becoming wiser.
I'm learning how to grow as an individual, on the verge of adolescence.
And doing so was a milestone for me.
Overtime I became someone,
Who possessed enough strength and capacity to not be paralyzed in the presence of hardships,
Or to not feel numb or emotionless when pushed around by someone.
I changed. I M M E N S E L Y !
It created in me this uneasiness,
But now I'm overwhelmed with a calm I can hardly verbalize.
I stood on the hillside,
Under the stars,
Then I rolled up my sleeve,
And saw my scars.
All the while,
Trying to smile,
When memories started surface.
I was reminded of all the slicings of that ****** blade across my arm,
And all the thoughts of self harm,
That it brought.
How I just wanted to rot,
And tear up the inner walls of my mind.
All I wanted was to find...
That authentic happiness that resided in so many of my peers.
Not finding it brought me to tears.
My eyelids were swolen.
And so was my heart.
It reeked of fumes that could tear you apart.
All the inner sores that were held within my being,
Were caused by my fears, anxieties, and paranoia.
Being held captive by them, while hiding in plain sight, is obliterating... to one!
I crave a gift... rare and precious, that so many have the capacity and strength to hold.
...that electricity that makes them look alive and vibrant... I wanted it.
I miss the days of constant oblivion, when nothing was there to muddy my understandings of life's complications.
Nothing was there to distort the view I once had... so long ago.
...or so I thought.
Obviously something was there.
And whatever it was, it allowed me to transition to one world to the next. I was in nothingness, and suddenly transported to another dimension of suffering and sorrow...
Of brokenness and devastation.
Obviously something was there.
Because I non-intentionally allowed it to intertwine with myself today.
My thoughts,
My feelings,
My decisions,
And everything that's me.
As I strattle this in between line of feeling lost and broken,
I see myself growing.
Extending in size and strength.
I see myself learning,
And becoming wiser.
I'm learning how to grow as an individual, on the verge of adolescence.
And doing so was a milestone for me.
Overtime I became someone,
Who possessed enough strength and capacity to not be paralyzed in the presence of hardships,
Or to not feel numb or emotionless when pushed around by someone.
I changed. I M M E N S E L Y !
