i miss you
not the latest you
but the good man you used to be
not the physical ,but the intention, the real you.
the intention was there
good or not
i felt it
and to me, yeah to me it felt right.
it took a while, no doubt
but after the long contemplation night after night
conversation after conversation
date after date.. the feeling was there.


but how could you have hurt me so easily,
when you were so good to me?
how can someone who cares so much
throw it away in one moment?

reality checks hit hard - you never really cared.
or maybe you did but my definition of caring for someone is way different than yours.


good can turn into bad in one second
happiness can be lost in two
one foolish mistake is all it takes
for all those memories to become regrets

regrets, to let go and let down your walls
because trust.. its not just a figment of your imagination
it's something that you work for
something that you fight so hard for
and it's amazing, and yet so terrifying how
it can be lost all in one moment.

one moment of disbelief
when the creases on my hands become little rivers
and my heartbeat is amplified through my eardrums
when I feel like the world could have stopped and heard it themselves.
so dumbfounded that there were no thoughts. just anger.
pure solid complete anger.
anger so powerful it was the one emotion that ever had taken over my whole body
completely absorbed, entangled in one messy, moment.
one moment of happiness does not compare to the amount of
anger and pain you put me through.

but see it's moments like these that remind us of how  weak we can be-
did I do something ?
was it all a lie?
was everything-
every heart felt word you whispered,
every meaningful sentence you texted,
every comforting conversation uttered through the phone,
all the assuring hugs and kisses.
a lie.

was it real?
i couldn't help but to think to myself
that it was my fault.
because every single time
you somehow managed to
twist my thoughts into believing that somehow .. it was my fault.
like i was the one in the wrong, like i was the one who didn't care enough.
I guess I wasn’t enough.
my fault ? and then it hit me.
it hit me right in the stomach.
it hit me hard, numbing spread throughout my body.

that's when the rivers on my palms ceased to flow
when my heart beat finally came back to the normal low.
my fault ? yes.
my fault for trusting you.
my fault for listening to you when things got pretty hard.
my fault for believing that you had actually -changed.

change. i have.
hurt me, you have.
but i have changed, my mentality
now runs through the ice cold rocks
which make up the walls that surround me.
trust, that's *******.
no, you. you're *******.

Your fault, definitely. You see you- lost Me.
All those moments, I don’t regret now.
I learn.
You are a lesson learned.
And in the end when the anger is over,
when the feelings have completely withered and died
when the site of your face doesn’t phase me at all

I tell myself one fact, two words :

HIS LOSS