I’ve been in two
different wards
I slip casually into conversations
like this is an
every day thing
like it’s not life
ending
starting
shattering
stopping
beginning
again and again

I pretend that I
didn’t die the night
I took 40 Trazadone
and fell heavily asleep with
my heart in my throat

But my last thought
was how dare I take my life
when she barely got to
live through hers
and I’m glad that I
woke up

Still I’m sorry that
she didn’t and I’m
still afraid of large bodies
of water and hell
I don’t like being older than her

I’m glad that I woke up
but sorry that she didn’t