there's a guy sequestered someplace in a secret location
his job is to keep ****** alive
since the purported death of mein Fuhrer this has become the most important job in the world
with ****** alive and well, we know what evil looks like and it sports a funny mustache
compared to ******’s lip growth even old Beelzebub’s goatee looks kinda cute
with ****** alive nations churn out industrial strength collateral damage on the scale of a Fortune 500 sausage maker wholly blessed with the moral impunity of profiting on the war on terror
assembly lines manufacturing the stewed vats of pink slime soylent green lays a wide grin on Henry Ford’s face watching happy Chinese proles grind through the day’s bleating stocks grateful to have a wage paying job
we are the righteous dudes,
hanging ten on Malibu pipes water boarding the terrorists
pouring waves of umbrellaed Coolattas down the desert thirsty gullets of dead enders
and they don’t even have the decency lay a tip on their earnest servers
freakin barbarians
we are the empowered heavies licensed to dispatch immediate fast food have it your way justice, with drone strikes on reprobate Americans who spent their last bill of rights on a Happy Meal of Freedom Fries leaving the executioner begging for nickel change so he can pick up a dime bag of the best Afghan horse after laying a bullet between old Osama’s cross crooked eyes
when civilized men begin to wonder if the modus operandi of intelligence gathering could be construed as torture, we point northward to scurrying Koreans sneaking briefcase nukes over the the southern border cleverly disguised as Chicano grape pickers heading for Napa.
in national tantrums of undulating shock and awe we launch cruise missiles to deliver the news of a well considered Bush Doctrine self conferring the sweet liberty to detonate bunker busters in noble strikes of preemptive interventionism
we hate war so much we initiate warfare before a war breaks out
we reserve first strike blitzkrieg prerogatives as an exalted strength to alleviate the pain of enduring the weakness of protracted peace
we are firm in the belief that the blasted dust from our bombs form the cornerstones of future democracies
to serve the greater global good, America has dispatched a humanitarian team of Navy Seals to East Africa to get Kony
we’re rooting out this bad guy whose trying to implement his twisted version of a Santorumish 10 Commandment based paradise
Kony is living proof that Islamo Fascists don’t hold a monopoly on terror and though Kony’s got some powerful supernatural juju Seals got motion sensors that can spot a cantankerous poltergeist through the darkest jungle canopies
it also will minimize the risk of friendly fire casualties
they’ll have to be careful not to wander into the disputed oil fields of southern Sudan and they’ll need to be mindful of Chinese engineers building pipelines and refineries
But thank goodness that guy has kept the touchstone of evil alive and well.
we’ll always recognize it when we see it and get hot on the trail of ******’s latest incarnations when they show their ungodly face
civilized people demand justice
and we will not rest until Kony’s head is displayed atop a spike on YouTube buzzing with the hum of ecstatic flies joining the chorus of happy tribesmen singing kumbaya with stirring gratitude from the aboriginal comfort of their mud and grass huts