suddenly ***
is a conscious decision.
i don't like it,
and neither does she . . .
but it is what it is,
and what it is
is something neither of us
should have.
i blew out my voice
on the first three songs
and ended the night
rolling and bleeding in the street.
so i guess it was
a good show,
no matter how it sounded.
my stomach hurts
and my brain won't work
and the rest of me couldn't possibly care less.
the disappointment
is nothing
compared to the loss
i did not know i could feel.
where is the joy that came with emptiness?
the feeling of
hey . . .
you're you.
i'm me.
that's enough.
it's never enough.
and still, i couldn't care less.
i was laughing, there
in the street
rolling back and forth
and back
and forth
and bleeding, for all to see.
laughing, because i couldn't stop thinking
there was just as much of a chance
a car would come
and see me to the end
as there was of the nothing
that came.
i rolled, i bled,
i blew out my voice,
and no one noticed but me.
my throat hurts,
and she looks away.
suddenly ***
is a conscious decision
and one i am not prepared to make.