things changed after we broke up

i started going to bed earlier.
the only reason i never did when we were together
was you.
you were the best part of my day;
i ached to have as much of you as i could, when i could,
even if it meant having to navigate the halls by memory
as i dragged my feet to six a.m. breakfast with my eyes shut.
the memory of your laughter – of the knowledge that i made you laugh – from mere hours before
warmed even the most chilly and meaningless of dawns.

i couldn't listen to music
especially ones that made me think of you;
ones that made me want to go dancing with you.
songs about happily ever afters,
longing,
unrequited love.
god, i couldn't deal with these beautiful voices singing beautifully about pain as if it deserves it.
there's nothing beautiful about it.

i started writing more.
so, so much more.
words poured out when you tipped over my half-empty glass.
i wrote when my eyes were too tired from pumping out tears,
when my muscles were too spent from beating my bed,
when my roommates stayed so i couldn't do either.
it was you who opened my eyes to poetry
so as much as i wrote to forget you,
it was also a way to feel closer to you.
at the end of the day,
i still sought comfort in you.

i started going out more, to distract myself,
but the world did a **** terrible job at helping.
just when you want to forget, the world ***** you over and reminds you, over and over again:
the sound of crunching ice, the smell of coffee, wet stains on tabletops.
to others, they're insignificant, almost invisible;
to me, they hold moments so quiet and cherished,
moments i would probably never experience again.

i talked to my friends more,
especially the ones i haven't in a while.
if anyone asked, i would say i wanted to catch up,
that i wanted to see how they're doing, that i missed them,
but it was all, unsurprisingly, a lie.
it was all an effort to bury your name beneath jovial monickers,
down, down, down,
along with me tamping down the desire to tap on your name.
"out of sight, out of mind," right?

it never worked.

it never worked because i would find myself scrolling down, down,
find myself staring at the flashing line, smug and taunting and mocking.
so you're wrong. i do want to talk to you.
i just don't know how to. i can't.
i've tried. you've seen me try.
but each time my fingers tremble with words i'm not allowed to say anymore,
and with that realization comes the tell-tale twist of something dark and harsh in my chest,
and i ache from the loss of the ease and what-used-to-be's
quickly displacing my will to be okay, to be there, for you.
so i fail. again and again and again.

i know you think i hate you,
and i haven't done anything to disprove that.
sometimes i like to think i do.
loss crippled me. hate fueled me.
hate fed my pride and ego,
made me think i was the missing piece, rather than missing a piece.
i like to think i do hate you. it's easier that way
but i know i never did, never will.

but there will always be this desire to blame someone,
to put the weight of these events on someone's shoulders,
so if i am to resent someone in this narrative,
it's me:
me and my inability to keep you,
me and my inability to let you go;
me, for running away from being loved so many times before to avoid the pain,
but set myself up by loving too much too soon.

but despite what these words seem to mean,
i don't regret loving you.
i don't regret the moment i saw you clutching your purse to your face in excitement, that first time.
i don't regret braving hours of commute to hide in a corner of a bustling McDonalds with you.
i don't regret running down the street with the twelve-noon sun glaring at us to surprise you for your birthday.
i don't regret waiting on those front steps of that bank to walk with you to school.
i don't regret fighting sleep (most of the time unsuccessfully) to cry and yell with you at whatever there was to cry and yell about.

i don't regret anything. please know that.
i hope you don't either.

to conclude this poem that isn't really a poem anymore:
i thank you.
thank you for loving me once
truly, purely, genuinely, honestly.
thank you for allowing me to love you as much as you had.
thank you for trying.
you were the first person i ever, truly loved,
and after all that's been said and done,
i'm still glad it was you.