I can't tell which I despise more

to be swept over and pulled under
by the violent currents of sadness, of anger, of frustation, of confusion -
by every single emotion
some I can't even give a name to
until my lungs are **** near full of water

or to float on the river
and not even feel the water lapping at my skin
and not even take notice of the cool and the blue of this liquid mirror under me