May 2017
I discovered freshman year that if you hit on the boys they
like you. They don’t call you a ***** or take pictures of your ***** or
stalk you in the hallway, trying to touch you for an instant
instead they give you gum and “teach” you how to do biology;
how to write a paper. they let you stroke their egos by saying
“Thank you I understand now” even if you already knew or
if they are wrong. they become not scary...you say “hello” and you flirt
because your sexuality is what makes you powerful
I learned to flaunt myself, to flaunt it all. bending over a desk just a tad
Makes 16 year old boys kinder--more gentle--for a moment --you can share your opinions when they are distracted with your sexuality-
This is self defense.
angry boys angry men make my skin crawl
one two three ten boys
have you ever said no to an angry man?
“I want to *******” “why are you leading me on”
“your parents are control freaks, move in with me. I know what’s best for you”
“pay your dues” “show me your ***** or you aren’t a feminist”
“you’re so hot for being 14” “***** say hello back”
I tell him he *****, he says “no that is your job”
melting into the floor I cry. 15 and dissolving slowly into the system
18 year old men chasing me, taunting me, snapping my newly acquired bra straps
it is easiest to reciprocate. pretend I am happy I am flirty and young
SWOOn for it all. Turn around when someone whistles (smile)
it seems less threatening. then they will not corner you or
text you saying what a ***** or take you up somewhere dark
and wrap their hands around your waist press themselves against you SAYING
“Are you ticklish”
draw your hands to where they want them
stumbling into an apartment, I know he is safe and will not hurt me but
my heart is racing and my skin aches (I should not be this terrified)
I open my phone so I can dial 9-1-1 at any instant
--just in case--
Nothing happens. but I leave, running, and sob in my car
I find myself giggling and smiling more and more
The way a man looks at you changes if you
Giggle and smile “oh sweetheart”
giggling is self defense. I learned early that giggling makes
you seem soft and small and cute and men
like that. waving back and laughing at
every unwanted approach. It is self defense. You feel powerful.
until it ends. and I am alone feeling empty and lonely
guilt charging through me.
I am working on smiling less.
like you. They don’t call you a ***** or take pictures of your ***** or
stalk you in the hallway, trying to touch you for an instant
instead they give you gum and “teach” you how to do biology;
how to write a paper. they let you stroke their egos by saying
“Thank you I understand now” even if you already knew or
if they are wrong. they become not scary...you say “hello” and you flirt
because your sexuality is what makes you powerful
I learned to flaunt myself, to flaunt it all. bending over a desk just a tad
Makes 16 year old boys kinder--more gentle--for a moment --you can share your opinions when they are distracted with your sexuality-
This is self defense.
angry boys angry men make my skin crawl
one two three ten boys
have you ever said no to an angry man?
“I want to *******” “why are you leading me on”
“your parents are control freaks, move in with me. I know what’s best for you”
“pay your dues” “show me your ***** or you aren’t a feminist”
“you’re so hot for being 14” “***** say hello back”
I tell him he *****, he says “no that is your job”
melting into the floor I cry. 15 and dissolving slowly into the system
18 year old men chasing me, taunting me, snapping my newly acquired bra straps
it is easiest to reciprocate. pretend I am happy I am flirty and young
SWOOn for it all. Turn around when someone whistles (smile)
it seems less threatening. then they will not corner you or
text you saying what a ***** or take you up somewhere dark
and wrap their hands around your waist press themselves against you SAYING
“Are you ticklish”
draw your hands to where they want them
stumbling into an apartment, I know he is safe and will not hurt me but
my heart is racing and my skin aches (I should not be this terrified)
I open my phone so I can dial 9-1-1 at any instant
--just in case--
Nothing happens. but I leave, running, and sob in my car
I find myself giggling and smiling more and more
The way a man looks at you changes if you
Giggle and smile “oh sweetheart”
giggling is self defense. I learned early that giggling makes
you seem soft and small and cute and men
like that. waving back and laughing at
every unwanted approach. It is self defense. You feel powerful.
until it ends. and I am alone feeling empty and lonely
guilt charging through me.
I am working on smiling less.
