I messed up today.
Had a fight with my dad
And let my emotions slip away.

I hurt you.
I undid so much work,
Disrupted so much trust,
Tore down so many layers of safety.

I shouldn't have.
I should have known better.
I should have waited longer.
I should have called later.
I should have controlled my emotions.

Not the other way around.

But I didn't.
That's on me.

I am sorry.

So, in order to attempt to assuage the ails I caused,
What follows is a list, enumerated,
Of all the things I love about you,
And all the things I endearingly hate (looking at you, #22)

1. How you make me smile
2. The way you cuddle up against me, nestled in the nook between arm and chest, below shoulder
3. When you wear my t shirts
4. How safe I feel when I'm with you
5. When you play with my hair, and talk about my 'crazy curls'
6. Our long drives and car rides together
7. The fact that you have a dog
8. When we cook together
9. How you're my princess
10. Going on late night McDonald's runs with you
11. Drinking Bloodline and watching Netflix
12. Trying to decide what show to watch, or where to go to eat (you pick, no you, no you--I picked last time!)
13. Doing homework together
14. When you let me try to paint your nails
15. When you take care of my weird hairs
16. The way you make me do things I don't want to but should
17. How supportive you are
18. Your hair
19. Going out on random walks in a snowstorm late at night
20. Getting chipotle together
21. Your smile
22. The way you STILL won't **** around me
23. When you scratch my back
24. How beautiful you are all the time
25. How you let me crack your toes in exchange for a foot massage
26. How you've finally learned to burp and be comfortable with it
27. The way you treat Kevin (a.k.a. your *****)
28. How you somehow never fail to brush your teeth at night, the way I assume most other humans do (or is that just me?)
29. When we sing along to songs in the car
30. Making memories, from Calvert Cliffs to Billy Joel
31. The way you twirl Todd when you're nervous or stressed
32. How you feel comfortable being completely yourself with me
33. How cool your family is
34. Spending time at the mountain house
35. Planning trips together, from Kings Dominion to Philadelphia
36. The way you also think water parks inside amusement parks are a waste of time
37. The fact that you share my love for pickles and olives
38. When you vent to me about your mom or Amy (or Amy and your mom)
39. How dedicated and hardworking you are
40. When you watch movies with me, especially ones that feature Ben Stiller in ridiculous costumes ("if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!"
41. The way you love history
42. Your obsession with Disney
43. When you appreciate my puns
44. When you make me pumice stone my calluses
45. How smooth your legs are after you shave
46. Your ****.
47. All your little idiosyncrasies
48. The memories we made together in Europe
49. Sleeping next to you and spooning, at least for a little while
50. You.

Of course, this list could not possibly encompass every single thing I love about you,
But it is a start--
An incomplete glimpse
Into a love that is real, and whole.