Mother taught me everything that I know about love
Mother told me of the wildfires she once started
She said she used to love to watch it all burn down

She said, she never stuck around to see what happened afterward
She said she didn't want to know
She said, she learned not to light matches and spew fire
She said she learned it the hard way so that I didn't have to
Mother sacrificed her soul for me
She said unconditional love does not exist outside of family
For mother “unconditional love” did not exist outside of obligation

Mother had a lot to say-
for someone who always held her tongue when it mattered
Mother let herself be engulfed by a man
Mother let her flame-
I mean her soul-
I mean her flame
be put out by a man
Mother’s soul was swallowed by an ocean she called “love”
Mother allowed hate to swallow her whole

Mother does not know that I am not fire
Mother does not know that I am stone
Mother claims to see light where no one else can
Mother does not know what it means to be empty
Mother does not know what it means to be cold  
Mother did not mean to turn my heart into an icicle-
sharp from how slowly it melted and froze in this ice box they call "body"
The same one that killed all of the butterflies in my stomach-
froze them too like old memories that no longer have movement

I want to tear my torso in two
I want to cut out all of the desolate pieces
I want to show you my broken butterflies and missing memories
I want to prove that something used to live in here once
I know it did
I know it had to of
It couldn't have always been this hard to touch me
It couldn't have always been this hard to feel me
Why can’t anybody feel me
Why do they keep saying that my skin is burning them
Why don't they understand that it's frostbite


I have learned –
to make everyone sign a disclaimer
In big bold letters it reads:
THE WOUNDS I GIVE YOU WILL NOT HEAL OVER TIME
IF YOU HOLD ME FOR TOO LONG YOUR APPENDAGES WILL GO NUMB
YOU WILL LEARN WHAT IT MEANS TO TURN TO STONE ON THE OUTSIDE
YOU WILL LEARN WHAT IT MEANS TO TURN TO STONE ON THE INSIDE
YOU WILL LEARN WHAT IT MEANS TO BE ME
YOU WILL REGRET THIS
Sign your name at the bottom if you’re willing

You see what mother did not see and I did not grasp
was how I watched father seethe-
spewing nothing but condemnation
No one to blame but his own boiling blood
That same blood coursing through my own veins
Father taught me hate
Father taught me lies
Father left the water running always
Mother never paid attention to what made the water run
Mother did not care that the water had a predetermined path unbeknownst to her

Mother would tell me to watch
Mother would tell me to wait
Mother would say things like
See, as they rise and fall at the feet of what stands against them
Mother does not know true love
Mother never learned to love herself
Mother does not notice that although the rock may stand-
day after day it is beaten mercilessly
Mother refuses to believe that the ocean-
that father-
will always come back stronger

I will teach mother empathy
I will teach mother that you can be cold and still know warmth
I will teach father forgiveness    
I will teach father that you can’t burn others without getting scarred
I will teach myself resilience
I will teach myself how to hold love without getting burned
I have heard-
that when two stones are struck together
at the right angle, under the right conditions
They can create a spark