I NOW FEEL HATE  (03-01-10)

How can I feel so much hate?
For someone I love so much?
Why do I now hate myself,
for not being someone that isn’t me?
How does she control my fear
by a simple sound in her voice?
Her annoyance with me is complete.
I am cast into a chasm of shame.
How do I disappoint her so easily?
When I’m trying so hard to please her?
How can I fix my bad behavior?
How can I break from this tyranny?
How can I mold myself into what she wants?
What does she desire that I don’t provide?
Again my frustration makes me want to die.
I am sick and tired of asking why.

Why am I pacing back and forth?
Why am I’m gritting my teeth?
Why am I trying to keep the word
“YouF#ckingB%tch” from spitting out of my mouth?
I DON”T CARE ANYMORE
I am standing on the edge of a very steep *****
I am utterly at the end of my rope.
My rope of hope slips through my hands.
I can’t relate, I don’t understand.
She tells me I must let go of the rope.
It’s frayed, like me; I have come to its end.
I am desperate for her to pull me up again
She says my rope of hope is broke.
Then I realize as I fall away
down the cliff to sure unhappiness.
My rope of hope has given way.
I look into her eyes as I tumble down.
From what I see, it’s bad for me
I see the glint; she is holding the knife
She has spliced my rope to humanity.
She was successful.
I now feel hate.
From my gut to my bones,
I tell myself
I will never love again.