I've struck an epiphany.
One I'm sure countless others have had before me.
One I'm sure has been realized so many times it's begun to lose its significance.
Yet here I am.
Lying awake with an obvious realization.
I have struggled with happiness for so long.
Struggled to have the capability to hold on to it.
Happiness has always been fleeting.
I grasp ahold and long to keep it.
However, I never seem to be able to.
I finally accepted last summer that I deserve happiness though still I struggle believing that.
When I fill my hours with others.
People to keep me away from myself.
I begin to feel as if I'm on cloud 9.
Everything in life seems to shift into place.
It always ends though.
I've never managed to hold on for longer than a few weeks at a time.
As if I'm in a constant never ending loop.
Now I realize for the first time why it ends.
I can't manage to be alone with myself.
You can only cover your days with people for so long before you end up alone for a night.
I can't stand being alone with myself.
No matter other people's opinions of me.
No matter how many people see me in a positive or amazing view.
I disgust myself.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I can't seem to find happiness in being alone with myself.
Not while I despise who I am.
Until I can find happiness sitting alone.
Until I can discover the good in me.
My happiness will always be fleeting.