Do I or do I not love you?

There's never a day where I don't lay in my backyard starring at those shiny diamonds that give me little hope in the darkest nights,
Wondering- do I or do I not love you.

Words try and form in my mind but they aren’t complete enough to escape my mouth,
So I pick a pen.

I couldn’t do more than doodles I vaguely remember scribbling back in high school.

I yearned to write about you,
I wanted to know the answer,
I wanted to describe every part and every aspect of you to validate my love- for you,
But,
It was to no avail.

Tears rolled down my dolor eyes,
It wet my scribbled paper,
While the lead of my pencil blackened it,
Just exactly how my heart felt then.

Just when I couldn’t recognize my paper nor myself anymore,
I felt goose bumps- from the start of my neck to the tip of my toes,
I felt a thunderstrike that I couldn’t even clench.

I felt so warm on the inside yet so cold on the outside,
I felt so free on the inside yet so restrained on the outside,
I felt so lost on the inside yet- felt love on the outside,
I-felt you.

I like how you wrapped your rough fingers around the strands of my hair and tuck them, so softly behind my ear,
I like how you extended your flexed arms and secured my body so tight from the back,
I like how you grabbed my hands so firm, making sure the wet pencil doesn’t slip off our hands.

Mostly,
I loved how you wrote our love story holding- my hands.