Feb 2017
The walls are an off white and green with doors every couple feet, lights so bright that you could mistake them as heaven. Moving fast down the hallway on a rolling bed I noticed the blood coming out of my chest the nurse kept asking me something but I couldn’t hear over the consent ring in my ear and then suddenly everything went dark.
My thoughts consume me when it's just me my thoughts and the darkness the odds will forever be against me. It’s like walking across a tightrope one wrong step and you plunge to your death, one wrong thought and there goes to stability, there goes your sanity, there goes your strength, and soon you’re drowning in your own tears.
They say before you die you get a glimpse of what your life could have been, I didn’t get that glimpse, I got a glimpse of him and every moment I spent with him. It all started at one forty am October 4th that’s when we made our relationship official, our first kiss gave off a feel of relief like the morphine running through my veins stopping the chest pains. Then came the first date we spent at Deanna Rose Farmstead, even though it was a place for little kids we managed to make it fun.
I watched as we walked through the butterfly garden holding hands and sharing funny stories. The feeling of your hand intertwined with mine sent a rush through my body like the IV rushing through my bloodstream. Then came the first time you told me you loved me and for the first time I had everything, in this moment they removed the bullet and closed the wound.
Then the break up came, I watched as you humiliated me infront of my friends, I watched as you belittled the girl you claimed to love the feeling of humiliation caused the internal bleeding in my body. Months went by and I watch as you loved another girl, I watched as you danced with her at homecoming, but just last year that was me. Watching you happy with another girl felt like my chest was being cut open. I told myself that I would never give you a second chance until I reached out and gave you a second chance.
Maybe it was because I missed you or maybe because we weren’t to be, but something was telling me that your love would be the death of me, but I still let you in. while the doctors were trying to save me I was watching a movie of our story realizing I loved you but you loved what I could give you. You loved what you could benefit from but I loved you.
I love the way you look when you sleep and the way you say babe, I love you smile and your eyes, I love you dimples, I love the feeling of you hand intertwined with mine, I love the feeling of your arms around me, I love the way you kissed me. I love your heart. I love the way you loved me, didn’t know everything I loved was a memory because this whole time I thought our love was reality. I guess it’s like that when I’m the only one showing any kind of intimacy.
I could hear the doctors say we’re losing her. When you’re in love you ignore the red flags not because you’re naive but because you’re too blind to see the bad thing increasing while the good decrease. Less hellos more goodbyes, less I’m sorry and more blaming, Less I love you and more fights. The heart is blind but the mind never misses a thing but you can’t love with your mind. If only my mind and heart could think alike maybe I wouldn’t be crying myself to sleep at night.
The doctor screams we’re losing her we’re losing her. Maybe I would have realized the one word text beep, the read and no reply beep, the no effort to see me beep, the girl you were talking to other than me beep. Said you weren’t ready for a relationship or just didn’t want me beep. I was honest with you beep, never held back my feelings for you beep, never thought of myself always thought of you beep.
Why did you tell me you loved me when you didn’t beep, why did you break my heart beep, why don’t my tears affect you beep, why did I put you before my own mental health beep, why did you take a shotgun to my heart beep.
I told you life was too short too waste beep so when the doctors walk in the hospital waiting room they’ll let you know that I am done waiting for you beep. Time of death 01:40.
My thoughts consume me when it's just me my thoughts and the darkness the odds will forever be against me. It’s like walking across a tightrope one wrong step and you plunge to your death, one wrong thought and there goes to stability, there goes your sanity, there goes your strength, and soon you’re drowning in your own tears.
They say before you die you get a glimpse of what your life could have been, I didn’t get that glimpse, I got a glimpse of him and every moment I spent with him. It all started at one forty am October 4th that’s when we made our relationship official, our first kiss gave off a feel of relief like the morphine running through my veins stopping the chest pains. Then came the first date we spent at Deanna Rose Farmstead, even though it was a place for little kids we managed to make it fun.
I watched as we walked through the butterfly garden holding hands and sharing funny stories. The feeling of your hand intertwined with mine sent a rush through my body like the IV rushing through my bloodstream. Then came the first time you told me you loved me and for the first time I had everything, in this moment they removed the bullet and closed the wound.
Then the break up came, I watched as you humiliated me infront of my friends, I watched as you belittled the girl you claimed to love the feeling of humiliation caused the internal bleeding in my body. Months went by and I watch as you loved another girl, I watched as you danced with her at homecoming, but just last year that was me. Watching you happy with another girl felt like my chest was being cut open. I told myself that I would never give you a second chance until I reached out and gave you a second chance.
Maybe it was because I missed you or maybe because we weren’t to be, but something was telling me that your love would be the death of me, but I still let you in. while the doctors were trying to save me I was watching a movie of our story realizing I loved you but you loved what I could give you. You loved what you could benefit from but I loved you.
I love the way you look when you sleep and the way you say babe, I love you smile and your eyes, I love you dimples, I love the feeling of you hand intertwined with mine, I love the feeling of your arms around me, I love the way you kissed me. I love your heart. I love the way you loved me, didn’t know everything I loved was a memory because this whole time I thought our love was reality. I guess it’s like that when I’m the only one showing any kind of intimacy.
I could hear the doctors say we’re losing her. When you’re in love you ignore the red flags not because you’re naive but because you’re too blind to see the bad thing increasing while the good decrease. Less hellos more goodbyes, less I’m sorry and more blaming, Less I love you and more fights. The heart is blind but the mind never misses a thing but you can’t love with your mind. If only my mind and heart could think alike maybe I wouldn’t be crying myself to sleep at night.
The doctor screams we’re losing her we’re losing her. Maybe I would have realized the one word text beep, the read and no reply beep, the no effort to see me beep, the girl you were talking to other than me beep. Said you weren’t ready for a relationship or just didn’t want me beep. I was honest with you beep, never held back my feelings for you beep, never thought of myself always thought of you beep.
Why did you tell me you loved me when you didn’t beep, why did you break my heart beep, why don’t my tears affect you beep, why did I put you before my own mental health beep, why did you take a shotgun to my heart beep.
I told you life was too short too waste beep so when the doctors walk in the hospital waiting room they’ll let you know that I am done waiting for you beep. Time of death 01:40.
