it has been
another night

another night of a dimly lit bedroom filled with incense and the
sad sound of fingers hitting a keyboard, scrawling words onto paper
in a desperate attempt to get out everything i need to say to you

this, this immense loneliness
seemingly irreversible solitude
is greeted by your silence
and i am too ******* stupid
i am so, so ******* stupid
for ever allowing myself to feel close to someone again

but you snuck up on me,
you truly did
it was not something i could sit and think about thinking about
you came up behind me
and you swept me away to another place
the euphoria of all ecstasy and the emotions
i am so full of
are driving me wild

wild,
like the nature that surrounds us
wild,
like my hair when we go 90 on 595

i feel small and vulnerable and scared. i feel out of control of the way i feel. admitting this makes me want to cry. i can no longer attempt to put this into an artful form. from now on it will be raw.

my mind is absolutely racing. i want you so badly, badly like the power of ten thousand storms that shake my windows on summer nights home alone with only cartoons making sound in the house, cartoons that scare the **** out of me in four in the morning when the tornado drills come on

i need to have you in my life because i dont want pain. pain is something we all have to experience though, and if you dont want to be a part of my life, or at least not as i want you to be, then i have to accept it. and more than just accepting it, i have to realize it is okay to move on. i just really thought you were something special, i still do think this, and i just

you leave me with such a void

i wish you knew

and i know that it is stupid

so i bury it very very deep

and i feel

very very sad

and i feel

very blue