Dec 2016
full disclosure:
1) i don't know whether coincidences are real or not.
2) bad timing, i badly want to call it that.
ultimately it comes down to not really knowing whether it is or it isn't and what this is... is really just a whole series of what-ifs no one ever prepared me to answer. the truth is that i don't know if i'd have only figured out what was going on later or if it was going to happen this year no matter what i did. but i tried my best, i hope every version of me in the future believes the person writing this right now that i did what i thought i could to stop what i felt was about to happen, happening. i had a weird feeling this entire year about what was happening to me. i know i saw it coming. anyways i should be sorry and, i'm not going to lie, i am, even though sometimes i am reminded by good people that it isn't my fault. that might be true. but i am still sorry. even my dream me gives me **** for it.
3) this is the most ironic thing to happen so far, but i think i say that every year. at least i do, in my head. i kept saying what's gone is gone and what's going, should. but i won't pull it back or push it to go like i used to. what's happening is happening, mantra or no mantra, i am not reducible.
4) i've been weak and i've been strong, left and right and wrong. and let me be honest that this year has been fire in my veins and let me be truthful that i had people beneath me to put out some flames. i realize somehow that this isn't the worst river i've drowned or will ever drown in and that isn't even close to being the hottest hell i've escaped from. it is tiring to think it could be worse and terrifying to think it could be better before i see the thermostat turning itself up again. before all that i love burns again.
5) conflict. they teach you about it in literature. there's different types and somehow i've made myself familiar with them all. some people egg me on, they like that i'm a fighter and they think i can fight bad things away for them. someone told me that i was their guardian moon and i got so high off the idea that i could be something like that for someone one day. and to be told that i already was sent me onto that higher plane. i know i'm not holy or divine but i can do something like that and i know God would call it worship.
6) sooner or later people piece together that a fighter's struggle goes both ways, that someone like me could turn on them at any moment. that sounds very spontaneous and unplanned and i don't want to deny that i am. yes i am unplanned but i swear also that i am always on standby. and i can feel the explosions going off inside me a million times over, but i am helpless to stopping it. and before i know it i am set off and before i know it people are hurt. i wish i could warn people i was about to blow up. but i also wish people could warn me they plan to push me to.
7) i can't help but serve the worst part of me the best part of me. does that make sense? you get what i'm saying? the worst part of me literally feeds on the best part of me. and guess what. the best part of me is a faulted one! she is BLIND, she is LIGHT and she is straight up DELUDED. she gives herself way too much credit. she told me she could save all of us but she's wrong. don't take her word for anything. she'd have you believe the sun is out in the dead of the night.
1) i don't know whether coincidences are real or not.
2) bad timing, i badly want to call it that.
ultimately it comes down to not really knowing whether it is or it isn't and what this is... is really just a whole series of what-ifs no one ever prepared me to answer. the truth is that i don't know if i'd have only figured out what was going on later or if it was going to happen this year no matter what i did. but i tried my best, i hope every version of me in the future believes the person writing this right now that i did what i thought i could to stop what i felt was about to happen, happening. i had a weird feeling this entire year about what was happening to me. i know i saw it coming. anyways i should be sorry and, i'm not going to lie, i am, even though sometimes i am reminded by good people that it isn't my fault. that might be true. but i am still sorry. even my dream me gives me **** for it.
3) this is the most ironic thing to happen so far, but i think i say that every year. at least i do, in my head. i kept saying what's gone is gone and what's going, should. but i won't pull it back or push it to go like i used to. what's happening is happening, mantra or no mantra, i am not reducible.
4) i've been weak and i've been strong, left and right and wrong. and let me be honest that this year has been fire in my veins and let me be truthful that i had people beneath me to put out some flames. i realize somehow that this isn't the worst river i've drowned or will ever drown in and that isn't even close to being the hottest hell i've escaped from. it is tiring to think it could be worse and terrifying to think it could be better before i see the thermostat turning itself up again. before all that i love burns again.
5) conflict. they teach you about it in literature. there's different types and somehow i've made myself familiar with them all. some people egg me on, they like that i'm a fighter and they think i can fight bad things away for them. someone told me that i was their guardian moon and i got so high off the idea that i could be something like that for someone one day. and to be told that i already was sent me onto that higher plane. i know i'm not holy or divine but i can do something like that and i know God would call it worship.
6) sooner or later people piece together that a fighter's struggle goes both ways, that someone like me could turn on them at any moment. that sounds very spontaneous and unplanned and i don't want to deny that i am. yes i am unplanned but i swear also that i am always on standby. and i can feel the explosions going off inside me a million times over, but i am helpless to stopping it. and before i know it i am set off and before i know it people are hurt. i wish i could warn people i was about to blow up. but i also wish people could warn me they plan to push me to.
7) i can't help but serve the worst part of me the best part of me. does that make sense? you get what i'm saying? the worst part of me literally feeds on the best part of me. and guess what. the best part of me is a faulted one! she is BLIND, she is LIGHT and she is straight up DELUDED. she gives herself way too much credit. she told me she could save all of us but she's wrong. don't take her word for anything. she'd have you believe the sun is out in the dead of the night.
