Dec 2016
Just fall, continue falling and then fall some more. Diving into the unknown and being engulfed in darkness is such a dream of mine that I am afraid to tell another soul. Oh, soul. I forgot the majority of the human race has no soul, not to mention spontaneity. That is why this is such a fatal decision to mum. But to me, it is an adventure, an ******, it is me.
I am going to be raw for a second. Imagine, just ******* imagine - touching a piece of paper for the very first time. Your curious fingers rubbing on the virginity of vulnerability. Oh how you want to crush it, smash it, split it! Yet, you nurture it because you want to save this disruption of innocence for later - when your inner savage comes *****.
This is not exactly what I intend to talk about. But what you understand, you understand.
Taking pride in my rebellious nature, I shall embark on a trip to Cambodia with no return. (Ticket booked and nothing planned.) Not only did I not consult any of my friends but I also did not ask my parents for their permission. (I decided it is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I have to do this for myself.) To set foot on this untouched land of lustful beasts and savour savagery one last time.
My alone 2-week stay in Cambodia will mark the transition of me from a G. to an L.. I will be the first person to notice that and the people there will decide if they want to keep me alive. I am totally putting my life because danger. Oh danger. Such a juicy word huh. I do not mind dying young anyway. In fact I have considered taking control of my death for a few times now since I desire to take my life on my own terms. Oh we are a little off. The transition. I want to bury all of it there. The unwanted touch and all the guilt and pain it has caused ever since. I want to leave everything there and kiss them goodbye. The damage will always be there but thank you for the pain and thank you for killing "me" because now, I know how to properly torture myself so as to escalate the pain - take a deep breath and let it go. It is the cruelest thing I will have ever done to myself.
To simply take a deep breath, and let it go.
I am going to be raw for a second. Imagine, just ******* imagine - touching a piece of paper for the very first time. Your curious fingers rubbing on the virginity of vulnerability. Oh how you want to crush it, smash it, split it! Yet, you nurture it because you want to save this disruption of innocence for later - when your inner savage comes *****.
This is not exactly what I intend to talk about. But what you understand, you understand.
Taking pride in my rebellious nature, I shall embark on a trip to Cambodia with no return. (Ticket booked and nothing planned.) Not only did I not consult any of my friends but I also did not ask my parents for their permission. (I decided it is a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I have to do this for myself.) To set foot on this untouched land of lustful beasts and savour savagery one last time.
My alone 2-week stay in Cambodia will mark the transition of me from a G. to an L.. I will be the first person to notice that and the people there will decide if they want to keep me alive. I am totally putting my life because danger. Oh danger. Such a juicy word huh. I do not mind dying young anyway. In fact I have considered taking control of my death for a few times now since I desire to take my life on my own terms. Oh we are a little off. The transition. I want to bury all of it there. The unwanted touch and all the guilt and pain it has caused ever since. I want to leave everything there and kiss them goodbye. The damage will always be there but thank you for the pain and thank you for killing "me" because now, I know how to properly torture myself so as to escalate the pain - take a deep breath and let it go. It is the cruelest thing I will have ever done to myself.
To simply take a deep breath, and let it go.
My deepest darkest secret has left me in pain for so many years. Thank you for reading. Really appreciate it.
