its been a while,
and my dear one, you're one of the very few who actually know about the existence of this.
i would love to thank you for loving me,
quite unconditionally and teaching me about what love can and cannot do.
i truly am over the love we had,
i tumbled into things i never thought i could achieve.
ive met wonderful people and achieved great heights of intellectual conversations i thought i've lost.
i gained back the edges, cutting through the desolate landscape of the world that i use to feel apathy towards.
these people ive met along the way shaped me into who am i, and made me clear of purpose.

i have to write in order to let myself remember in the future,
this was what i had.

to a,
you were something more of an infatuation and quicksand of self destruction.
i met you when i fell off the ledge of a relationship that turned out to be emotionally abusive for both ends.
shattered expectations and broken visions,
i thought i deserve the worst for inflicting pain upon others.
hence i was attracted to non-committal things like plastic cutleries, paper cups, napkins
and you.
where you use and trash.
you pulled my heartstrings and made me anxious, as i was also doing the same to you, i assume
with unreplied texts and flirty converses.
alcohol filled nights,
and those nights where your mouth meets the softest part of me,
where i give in to the pleasure of an illusion of being loved.
this did not last long,
i was too afraid, like a deer in the headlights.
fight or flight, of which i did both, fighting off my feelings and flight as you were using me as i was  you.

to k,
i wish you didnt have to leave,
much as i hated the british accent,
i definitely did not hate you.
i truly wish id spent more time with you
that evening at an empty reggae bar,
grinding and making moves on each other was far from being enough.
i want to continue laughing at you for being a hairy gorilla,
getting distracted by changkat and all the sober drinks we had.
it made the night even more real,
that we did not need substance to know that we were attracted.
and you stopped when i said no.
i think i fell a little then.
that other evening where we stayed in because it rained.
you didnt murmur sweet nothings,
you made sure i liked everything instead,
asking if i was comfortable, slowly tracing fingers and tongue upon my skin,
then setting ablaze a wildfire which left both of us slick with sweat.
all the ****** fluids weren't in vain,
trickling and forming a puddle of complicated emotions i cannot name and fathom.
both nights with neon lights in our eyes,
we could only see each other.
in broad day,
i was your lover, the one you want to hug and carry and give all attention to.
aye habibi,
if and only if.
i was truly grateful for what we had.

to l,
i met you during the brink of one of your hardest time.
i thought i wouldnt have a chance,
and i didnt know i could like someone of my gender this much, yet.
i love how you act,
and your certainty, and honesty.
i have to be honest, and say i dont know how i feel yet,
i feel unprepared, but i want you,
that i know for certain.
i like you, your humor,
your chipmunk cheeks
you and ice cream.
you're a broad daydream and somewhat of a special snowflake i want to appreciate the beauty of.
give me some time will ya.