As the darkness closes in
I narrow my sight trying to find the shimmering small light ahead
But with my breaths growing heavy and short
My legs become stiff
My arms become a shaking mess
My back tenses
And the small light is lost
Sitting there in a panic
I crouch down with my knees to my chest
Burying my face into the palms of my cold sweaty hands
With my mind going fuzzy
I begin to think I'm insane
I whisper to myself
“It's going to be okay, calm down”
Over, and over, and over again
Breathing in through my nose
And out my mouth only makes it worse
Nothing makes it leave unless it wants to
Trying to get my mind off things calms the breathing
But the shaking continues
My whole body having an earthquake of its own
That only I can feel
As I sit there the only thing going through my mind is pointless
When will this end?
I ask myself this every time
Though I already know the answer
It will never stop
It will always be there
Hiding quietly
Until I reach a high point
Than it will jump out
Springing from its dark corner it grabs me
Dragging me down to the pits of hell
Laughing obnoxiously
While I scream for help
Only to have it silenced
Hidden away by the mask glued to my face
A mask with a permanent smile
I scream as loud as I can
Only to be muffled
My body beginning to shut down
My back constantly hurting
And my hands are always cold, yet damp
My mind is almost completely lost in thought
Constantly moving in some way to hide the shaking
Playing with the strand’s placed on my head every few minutes
Naturally a shy girl being forced to talk loud to hide fear
A fear of not being accepted for what she goes through
Scared to tell her very own mother
Knowing she will assume its for attention
Not knowing what to do anymore
The thoughts grow darker
The twinkle of a sharp blade becomes soothing
Promising her father she will never lay a blade against her pale skin again
Though the thoughts still come
Haunting her throughout each dreary day
Teasing her
Pressuring her to where she’s about to break
Though she stays true to her promise
And instead of scaring a canvas of beauty
She drowns her lungs in poison
The sweet sting in her throat
Giving her butterflies in her stomach
With each sip she slowly fade
Forgetting everything
A peace rushing through her
She can finally breath
Though now she must live with the consequences
Slowly drifting away from the poison
To the empty bottle
Filling it with all the stress, hate, anxiety, depression, everything
Closing it tightly
I store it away
Storing bottle after bottle
Until I run out
Then comes the heavy, short breaths
The stiff legs
Next the shaking arms
Then the stiff back
And it all becomes black once more
So I ask myself this again
When will this end?

-MH