i’m tired
and it’s not because
i don’t sleep or because
my days are long or because
i need a rest
or a break
or something
it’s just that all this nothing
has made me numb
and I ask
that you please don’t inquire
as to why
because I really don’t know
how it happened
but i seem to have misplaced
the very last
of the last
of my reasons to live
and it’s strange to me
because there was sunshine once, I know
there was.
there was sunshine
and when some trees grew to block it
it was horrible,
but at least then
I knew.
I knew.
but as I stand now
in an open field
devoid of any tree that might try
to keep my sunshine from me
I don’t know
I don’t know why
but all I can see is darkness,
all I ever see
is darkness
and I just find it strange
because I’m still so very used to
the way things used to be
when the sun was gone,
back when I would lie in bed
and hear my heart beat too hard
and feel my chest press too tight
and listen
as every single toxic sob that caught
on every single bitter breath
dissolved its rhythm
into familiar chaotic spasms
that shook
and echoed
in my head
and clouded my perception
for days after.
i can so easily
fall into remembering a time
when it was normal
for me to feel myself breaking
when it was normal for me
to let it happen,
back when I would
squeeze my eyes shut
and watch the night swim,
but all of that
it just seems so strange to me now
because all I do anymore
is stare at the ceiling
hearing nothing,
feeling nothing, trapped
in nothing
and all I ever see
is darkness
and I don’t know,
I don’t know whether
my sun is coming back
and that’s
not
even
what’s
scary.

what’s scary is that
I don’t know whether
I want it to
you see
I’m not quite sure whether
I care.