Dec 2016
Vapid.
Benign.
Glossy uninhabited orbs, sunken into my waxen skin. My rib cage rattles with rutted breath, breathing seems foreign. Tempestuous is the cage that holds my temper. I hate myself more than anyone could fathom within an evening, within a drink at a bar, within the xanax I swallow once, twice, three times to forget the love around me that I do not receive.
Once. Twice. Three knocks at the stall of the bathroom I've found myself unconscious in. Unfamiliar graffiti, unfamiliar hands around me, gravitating towards my face, the unclarity of my actions calls out to me. I do not know this place. I do not my soul in this moment. Incoherent thoughts stumble around my mind, trying to right myself enough to raise up off the frozen, unyielding tile I've found my shell nested on.
The drive home is incessant . Eons go by glaring like the red lights I run to escape the seconds I left behind in the toilet. Cornered like an animal in my own home, I tear myself asunder, my flesh seethes against itself, abhorred that this , this is what I was given. A prison I can never escape from, relentless. Ruthless. Ashen cavernous ravines bloom forth from my skin. The metal slithers across sallow pulp, trying to connect parts of myself that were never meant to fit. Unabashed at the sudden onslaught of depreciating humor in situation. I long to be safe within the wall I have built for myself, housed myself, grown for only myself. Repercussion is an unfamiliar fleeting feeling when I seethe hatred for my soul so wholly. When I emanate the unmitigated repugnance for who I've grown into a person. Subdued by the caress of the silk blanket on my skin, I vacate my conscious, freely, boorish. Clouded nights reflect the obstructed thoughts that lull me into unconsciousness, as I dream of another day where I feel the love, skin, the smell of someone who is home in my mind, so that I may for one unabashed moment feel languid and serene.
One day that I might feel a part of an everlasting universe that revolves around the moonstuck effervesce emanating from the whole I've been missing.
Benign.
Glossy uninhabited orbs, sunken into my waxen skin. My rib cage rattles with rutted breath, breathing seems foreign. Tempestuous is the cage that holds my temper. I hate myself more than anyone could fathom within an evening, within a drink at a bar, within the xanax I swallow once, twice, three times to forget the love around me that I do not receive.
Once. Twice. Three knocks at the stall of the bathroom I've found myself unconscious in. Unfamiliar graffiti, unfamiliar hands around me, gravitating towards my face, the unclarity of my actions calls out to me. I do not know this place. I do not my soul in this moment. Incoherent thoughts stumble around my mind, trying to right myself enough to raise up off the frozen, unyielding tile I've found my shell nested on.
The drive home is incessant . Eons go by glaring like the red lights I run to escape the seconds I left behind in the toilet. Cornered like an animal in my own home, I tear myself asunder, my flesh seethes against itself, abhorred that this , this is what I was given. A prison I can never escape from, relentless. Ruthless. Ashen cavernous ravines bloom forth from my skin. The metal slithers across sallow pulp, trying to connect parts of myself that were never meant to fit. Unabashed at the sudden onslaught of depreciating humor in situation. I long to be safe within the wall I have built for myself, housed myself, grown for only myself. Repercussion is an unfamiliar fleeting feeling when I seethe hatred for my soul so wholly. When I emanate the unmitigated repugnance for who I've grown into a person. Subdued by the caress of the silk blanket on my skin, I vacate my conscious, freely, boorish. Clouded nights reflect the obstructed thoughts that lull me into unconsciousness, as I dream of another day where I feel the love, skin, the smell of someone who is home in my mind, so that I may for one unabashed moment feel languid and serene.
One day that I might feel a part of an everlasting universe that revolves around the moonstuck effervesce emanating from the whole I've been missing.
