I met God tonight. We walked along the river bank, the trees were turning and the wind was brisk. It was much brighter than usual, dream-like as I finally plead my case:
“I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore” I finally say to break the silence.
“I know” He says understandably.
“I have no reasons to get out of bed in the morning. The only reason I do is because I should. I should go to work. I should go on a hike. I should try to live a normal life. The shoulds are what keep me alive and active and I can’t keep living on shoulds.

My mind is a never ending battlefield and I am exhausted. I’m fed up. I can’t keep living because I should. I can’t keep fighting the agony in my mind. I’ve lost hope.

Last time I found healing it was only to get torn apart even harder. This life has never been what I wanted, I keep trying and trying to make it work and nothing fits. It's not worth it anymore, it never has been..."
A long silence passes as I make my final point
"God, you and I both know I wasn’t meant for this world. I belong with you, in heaven finally experiencing peace for the first time. I belong with my Jesus whom I love. You are good and perfect and holy and that’s where I need to be, I need to be home.”

He takes a deep breath and responds in a fierce gentleness.
"My daughter, you cannot make it through this life without me, you’re right-you’re not strong enough. I want you to listen to me very clearly-depression and the enemy want to tear you apart. They want you to feel isolated.

You see, you are a great threat to the enemy-because he knows how much I will use you for the kingdom. He knows I will move mountains through you and change lives and open hearts through your story and faith. He knows my plans and he is terrified. He is doing everything in his power to destroy you, to turn your mind against itself, to give up on life so that you can’t do the great things I have planned for you.

Listen to me love, I am using you even now in ways you don’t even know. I’ve written your story from beginning to end and I plead with you to let me finish it. Take my hand, and let me walk through all of it with you. The hardships, the suffering, and yes-the joy, laughter, and love because I promise that’s in there too.

You are suffering greatly and you have suffered greatly for the majority of your life, but I made you strong-I made you strong with a heart and compassion that has no limits. You are a dreamer, a believer, and a fighter and it was essential the world needed you in it. You will come out the other side if you could just give me your hand, and let me be there every step of the way. You are precious in my eyes and I love you. I know you think you’re ready for heaven but you are not, there is so much more I want for you here.

Stay my love, stay and let me show you my plans. Stay and let me show you my love. Stay and grow and learn and live. You will never lose the fight to depression so long as you trust me to stay and to live. I love you sweet girl. You are my child, my daughter I died so that you could be mine forever, and I am so glad I did. I’m so glad you are my daughter.”

I give a half-smile and sigh. I take his hand and walk through the fire that surely awaits when I wake up.