Dec 2016
Can you tell me why I constantly keep losing sleep over everything that shouldn't bother me.
Tell me why nightmares await behind my eyelids,
So I fight to keep my eyes open for days,
Knowing that I'll lose this fight and the tears will come in like a wave to wash everything on shore away. shore that I promised I was OK and wished away.
Tell me why my stomach aches at the thought of 3 meals a day when it's hard for me to get one down.
Because one down brings me to my knees where the toilet bowl becomes my throne and I become the queen of purging.
And everyone who claims to understand tells me to just eat and don't think about the food that sits inside of that empty pit you call a tummy.
But it's not that easy.
Can you please explain why this thing we call life feels like a constant battle between love and hate,
I can't seem to figure out rather I'm the good guy or the enemy.
What is the explanation for me staying up past bed time,
writing rhymes and trying not to cry because my father told me that I am weak and I want nothing more than for him to be proud of me.
He tells me I'm a big girl so I purge to shed the pounds away.
He tells me you're not very sharp girl,
so I go to school for more than 5 hours a day to try to educate my brain so that I can begin to become the daughter he always wanted.
You can tell me that I'm wrong,
You can tell me that I'm strong,
You can tell me that the hurt doesn't last forever,
Or someone will come along and make it better, but no one ever seems to be able to tell me what I want to know.
Instead I get the knowledge of what you want me to know, because that will help me get to places you want me to go.
But no one ever asks me what I want and it hurts you know?
It hurts because while I'm struggling and battling my mind,
Tiptoeing around trying not to step on the landmines that seem to be my parents temper,
I find myself losing control again.
I'm letting go again because holding on is what seems to **** me over in the end.
So I wish it would all just end.
So maybe finally I can sleep.
Maybe finally the demons will stop haunting me.
Maybe then I'll learn to keep it all down and to not hold it all in.
And learn the true definition of strong instead of lying about it again.
And maybe my dad will accept me, and the hurt won't be so strong and one day I'll find a place where I truly belong but today I continue fighting and today I will let my brain expand.
Maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll begin to understand.
But tonight I'm not safe and this nightmare I'm trying to escape makes my heart ache and I begin losing sight but I'm growing a backbone and slowly crawling towards the light.
I believe that I can win this fight, I believe in the end everything will be alright.
And pretty soon I will win this awful war we call life.
Tell me why nightmares await behind my eyelids,
So I fight to keep my eyes open for days,
Knowing that I'll lose this fight and the tears will come in like a wave to wash everything on shore away. shore that I promised I was OK and wished away.
Tell me why my stomach aches at the thought of 3 meals a day when it's hard for me to get one down.
Because one down brings me to my knees where the toilet bowl becomes my throne and I become the queen of purging.
And everyone who claims to understand tells me to just eat and don't think about the food that sits inside of that empty pit you call a tummy.
But it's not that easy.
Can you please explain why this thing we call life feels like a constant battle between love and hate,
I can't seem to figure out rather I'm the good guy or the enemy.
What is the explanation for me staying up past bed time,
writing rhymes and trying not to cry because my father told me that I am weak and I want nothing more than for him to be proud of me.
He tells me I'm a big girl so I purge to shed the pounds away.
He tells me you're not very sharp girl,
so I go to school for more than 5 hours a day to try to educate my brain so that I can begin to become the daughter he always wanted.
You can tell me that I'm wrong,
You can tell me that I'm strong,
You can tell me that the hurt doesn't last forever,
Or someone will come along and make it better, but no one ever seems to be able to tell me what I want to know.
Instead I get the knowledge of what you want me to know, because that will help me get to places you want me to go.
But no one ever asks me what I want and it hurts you know?
It hurts because while I'm struggling and battling my mind,
Tiptoeing around trying not to step on the landmines that seem to be my parents temper,
I find myself losing control again.
I'm letting go again because holding on is what seems to **** me over in the end.
So I wish it would all just end.
So maybe finally I can sleep.
Maybe finally the demons will stop haunting me.
Maybe then I'll learn to keep it all down and to not hold it all in.
And learn the true definition of strong instead of lying about it again.
And maybe my dad will accept me, and the hurt won't be so strong and one day I'll find a place where I truly belong but today I continue fighting and today I will let my brain expand.
Maybe one day I'll wake up and I'll begin to understand.
But tonight I'm not safe and this nightmare I'm trying to escape makes my heart ache and I begin losing sight but I'm growing a backbone and slowly crawling towards the light.
I believe that I can win this fight, I believe in the end everything will be alright.
And pretty soon I will win this awful war we call life.
