If this is what I have to do then I may as well admit it to you, if no one else. Because you, the person in my head, the one I always talk to instead of real people in the world... you may be the only one who sees me for who I am. Broken and hurting and falling with no safe place to land. It's hard for me to show you why I'm stuck here in this place, but the easiest way to put it is the hardest thing to say. I loved him. I love him still. It's forcing back against my will, I push, it shoves, I'm falling down, my head has lost its mental crown. For in this state I do not own the thoughts I have; you can relate- I am their slave, as you are mine. I manipulate the way you perceive me, and they force me to feel this way as well. Just as I do, they can deceive me, and force me how this way to tell. I do not want to love him now, but I can't find the strength I need to muster to push him away. The longer he's here, the faster it stays. You see the problem? I know I do, it's hard for me to admit to you because I don't want it to be a problem! I want to hold him close at night, I want to feel close beside me, and his warmth and soft embrace- there was a time he set the pace, and I followed. But now it seems he's only pulled away enough for his own mental anguish to desist, while I am left to ponder on this list of reasons I still feel attached, and my heart to his is latched. I only wish for freedom, but know I am not willing to take back my own kingdom if it means dethroning him, for he leads so well. But when he leaves my mind throbs and swells in a state of mental discourse between myself (and you of course), and him and them and everyone who tries to feed my ways to cope. But I don't need their games- it's all a joke, with the punch line being: I'll still love him, all said and done. Someday when we both find someone he will be happy, as will I, and likely the truth is as you say; the best doctor is time. Behind these mental prisons there are tunnels I have dug, and deep inside one a small hope remains snug that somewhere far along the path he and I will cross and laugh at how we thought it wouldn't be and yet it seems he's there for me and we will walk along together, facing storms and dreary weather... because like I said, all along he's been the one inside my head. And perhaps I've been in his. But now it's time to leave that dream, buried deep within this hole. I cannot visit it, it seems it will only hold me back once more. You understand, don't you? How I have to do this alone? I know you want to help me here, but if he picks up the phone, it will only be me- one voice, one sound. Telling him that I have found I have to fire him from this position of entitlement he's found over my being, over myself. Of course, he doesn't know he's there- he never did anything wrong.... all of these things I've come to find, I've placed him there within my mind. I love him, I loved him, and I do still. Its all against my will. I may deceive you more, but at least understand- I've tried to shut the door. It will close itself when it is ready, which may be now.